CAST
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NARRATOR - A typical old-time adventure serial narrator. Loud, boisterous and overly-dramatic
CLYDE - A barbarian who fancies himself a brave, courageous and mighty adventurer. But in reality he's a bully, coward, chauvinist, thief and nincompoop
ZOOGY - A Marsh-Dwarf and Clyde's long-suffering sidekick. Tries to serve as a surrogate conscience and voice of reason to Clyde, but often finds his efforts to be in vain. A fact that has left him quite sarcastic and bitter.
MAIDEN - A lovely young maiden who's not what she seems. Typical melodramatic 'damsel in distress'.
HAG - The dreaded Hag of Koozbane. A hideous old witch who likes to lure brave men to their doom using illusions and disguises.
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NARRATOR
Join us now as we journey back, BACK to a land before the beginning of time… A land where science gives way to sorcery! A land where justice comes from the edge of a blade! A land of HIGH adventure and EVEN HIGHER insurance rates! Join us as we continue the savage, thrilling adventures of... CLYDE THE BARBARIAN!
Our story opens with our mighty barbarian hero, Clyde, along with his faithful companion, Zoogy the Marsh-Dwarf , on their quest to slay the dreaded Hag of Koozbane. We now join our intrepid duo as they ride through the badlands of the Koozbanian Wastes in grim… Stoic… Silence.
ZOOGY
Phew! Man, my feet are KILLING me! Whaddya say, Boss? Can't I ride the horse for once, just for a little while?
CLYDE
Now, now, Zoogy. You know we only had enough to buy ONE horse, and I, being the hero type, have first rights to it.
ZOOGY
Uh-uh, even though it came out MY salary.
CLYDE
Besides, Zoogy, what if we were to run into some hideous monster? What better way to bravely face them down and slay them with my mighty blade then from atop a noble steed?
ZOOGY
Yeah, right! Just like you 'courageously faced down' that ogre the other day? I'M the one who wound up having to bludgeon him to death with my toothbrush! Yeah, you faced him alright, with the WRONG END!
CLYDE
Nonsense, my diminutive chum. I was just, er… Surveying the battlegrounds to, um… Plan a more tactical attack position. Besides, you should be happy I let you fight those lizardmen. Battle builds character, after all.
ZOOGY
Yeah, well, any more 'character' and I'll be liable for disability leave.
CLYDE
Well, never mind that now, Zoogy. Say, do you remember that riddle we heard in town? You know, the one that blind old beggar said would aid in our quest?
ZOOGY
You mean the one you sucker-punched and stole his begging cup from?
CLYDE
That's the one!
ZOOGY
(Sigh!) Fine, let me think, it went…
BEWARE THE HAG, SHE'S FULL OF TRICKS
SHE LIKES TO SLAY BRAVE MEN FOR KICKS
CLYDE
Oh, goody! I LOVE rhymes!
ZOOGY
(Sigh!)
SHE'LL TRY TO CAUSE YOU GREAT CONFUSION
BY GUISING HERSELF WITH ILLUSION
SO DON'T GIVE IN TO YOUR BASE URGIN'
SHE'S REALLY A WITCH, SHE'S NOT A-…
And that's when you mugged him.
CLYDE
Ah, yes, I remember now. Lousy cheapskate! I only got 3 coppers out the deal. Still, that leaves us in a bit of a pickle, old chum.
ZOOGY
Hey, it's no problem, boss. All we have to do is figure out the last part ourselves. “She's really a witch, she's not a-...”
CLYDE
Hmm, what rhymes with “urgin'”, I wonder?
MAIDEN
Help! Help! Save me!
CLYDE
(Gasp!) Hark! A maiden's call! She sounds in danger! She sounds young, pretty and SINGLE too. Come, Zoogy! Duty calls!
ZOOGY
Hmm, “She's really a witch she's not a-…” Hey! I've GOT it! Boss, the scroll says-… Boss? Hey, where'd ya go? Hey! Wait for ME!
MAIDEN
Oh, save me! Save me!
CLYDE Have no fear, Clyde the barbarian is here!
MAIDEN
Oh, save me, good barbarian! I am a young virgin maid whose village was ransacked by raiders! They kidnapped me and tied me to this stake to rot in the baking sun!
CLYDE
Fear not, young virgin maiden, I'll have you out in a jiffy! Good thing I got that merit badge in knot tying back in Barbarian Boy-Scouts. Of course, I had to mug my bunkmate to get it. And, VOILA, as they say in Germany!
MAIDEN
Oh, brave and stalwart barbarian, you have saved me! And thus have you earned the right to claim me and do to me as you will!
CLYDE
All right! Pucker up, toots!
ZOOGY (Pant-pant!) Boss! Wait! Don't kiss that girl!
CLYDE
Uh, heh-heh… Could you excuse me for a minute?
ZOOGY
Boy, am I glad I got here in time! Boss, that girl is- !
CLYDE
Zoogy, buddy, pal, I'm a little BUSY right now. So why don't you be a good little Marsh-Dwarf and go tie off the horse somewhere? Somewhere FAR AWAY.
ZOOGY
But boss, I'm trying to tell you, that girl is- !
CLYDE
Listen, SHRIMP! I'm about to get my COOKIES POWDERED with a HEAPIN' HANDFUL of GRADE-A VIRGIN MAIDEN BRAND SUGAR and the LAST thing I need is YOU CROWDIN' THE KITCHEN! Now TAKE that stinkin' horse and BUZZ OFF!
ZOOGY
(Grr!) FINE! I hope ya CHOKE ya stupid razzin-frazzin… (Grumble!)
CLYDE
Heh-heh. It's so hard to find good help these days. Now then, where were we, my little babah-ganoush?
MAIDEN
Hmm, I believe we were somewhere around-…
HAG
Here!
CLYDE
What the- ?!
HAG
Ah-HA! I am the Hag of Koozbane! And you, fool barbarian, have fallen into my trap!
CLYDE
Wait, so what you're saying is you're NOT a virgin?
HAG
SILENCE, sexist pig, and prepare to die! But first, say goodbye to your two best friends… And I'm NOT talking about the horse and the dwarf! (CACKLE!)
CLYDE
Uh, Zoogy? ZOOOOOO-GYYYYYY!
NARRATOR
CAN our heroes defeat the dreaded Hag of Koozbane? WILL Clyde the Barbarian become Clyde the Eunuch? IS the Hag of Koozbane really a virgin?
Posted: 9/2/2005 6:48:26 PM
Post subject: Re: My Stupid Script
Well, yeah, it's over the top and very obvious, but given that it sounds like it's a melodrama of the vaudeville and gaslight theatre style, it could work. But the voice work will make or break it.
That and I have to wonder what happens to Zoogy. That part of the melodrama is left hanging.
GoManVanGogh Vociferator
Joined: 18 Nov 2003
Posts: 659
Posted: 9/2/2005 7:56:57 PM
Post subject: Re: My Stupid Script
Well, yeah, it's over the top and very obvious, but given that it sounds like it's a melodrama of the vaudeville and gaslight theatre style, it could work. But the voice work will make or break it.
That and I have to wonder what happens to Zoogy. That part of the melodrama is left hanging.
Oh, it's not a theatrical play, it's a radio-play.
As for what happens to Zoogy, well... I'm hoping that if people like this one, it will be the first of a series of completely unrelated episodes that always end up with Clyde in some perilous, deadly cliff-hanger thanks to his own stupidity.
Posted: 9/3/2005 5:17:03 PM
Post subject: Re: My Stupid Script
Oh, it's not a theatrical play, it's a radio-play.
Yes, but I mean the style. It's all over the top, and it is possible to have a radio play be a melodrama, as opposed to a horror or Little Orphan Annie play. Melodramas are tricky, and if you're not wildly guesturing while recording, it might not be outrageous enough.
As for what happens to Zoogy, well... I'm hoping that if people like this one, it will be the first of a series of completely unrelated episodes that always end up with Clyde in some perilous, deadly cliff-hanger thanks to his own stupidity.
So Zoogy will be back.
Oh yes, but in a good cliffhanger, the announcer reminds the listeners of all of the hanging threads, in the hopes that at least one draws them back. And since it's a melodrama, you can parody it, and have no fear of continuity, even if there's sequels. Something like:
Announcer: ...WILL Clyde the Barbarian become Clyde the Eunich? Will Zoogy return with the horse?
Zoogy: Forget that, I'm going out for a pizza!
Announcer: Is the Hag of Koozbane ...
Or possibly Zoogy winning at gambling or being popular with ladies or somehow recieving a karmic balance of good luck. And regardless of the fame and fortune Zoogy finds, he's always back with Clyde in the next episode.
I'm not a writer, and I don't even play one on TV, however. Your mileage may vary.
GoManVanGogh Vociferator
Joined: 18 Nov 2003
Posts: 659
Posted: 9/3/2005 7:04:11 PM
Post subject: Re: My Stupid Script
Yes, but I mean the style. It's all over the top, and it is possible to have a radio play be a melodrama, as opposed to a horror or Little Orphan Annie play. Melodramas are tricky, and if you're not wildly guesturing while recording, it might not be outrageous enough.
Well, BUH! That's the first rule of voice-acting "The ACTING comes before the VOICE".
A rule that, I'm sorry to say, the troupe I belong to can't... seem to... learn.
baserock love Vociferator
Joined: 04 Dec 2004
Posts: 685
Posted: 9/4/2005 10:56:05 PM
Post subject:
I'm none too keen on Zoogy's sarcasm and bitterness, though. He might function better as long-suffering and dim-witted.
I can't help it. Sarcasm and bitterness just come naturally to me.
Only thing i would change honestly is Barbarian Boy scouts, to just Barbarian Scouts. Other than that i think it could be pretty funny provided the voice acting is decent.
