Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

m_estrugo · Vociferator Joined: 13 Nov 2003 Posts: 534

Let's start with my own self-perception.

I hate this body of mine. It's awful. It's weak and full with fat. On school, people mock me and chicks don't get near me unless they have armored escort. Bah, who needs them. I've got cars.

Since I was a little kid, I'm in love with cars. While my stupid, plain, socially aware high-school classmates and neighbors went to gyms, and dieted and bought nice looking clothes to succeed on society, I spent all my money on car magazines, car videos, car miniatures and car memorabilia. My room is full with posters of cars, my computer has wheels and a Momo steering wheel, and I dream with cars all the time. I can tell the exact model, engine and termination level of a car at 5000 feet away.

Yes, cars. Cars are nice. Cars understand me. When I drive, cars obey me with no complain. When I drive, cars are an extension of my own muscles and senses. Cars allow me to be what I wish to be, at least, while I'm on the highway.

I find cars sexy. Chicks, bah, who needs them. I got cars. I dream with the Mazda Miata's sensual shapes, that I like to stroke so much. Or the fun, casual look of the New Mini, so naughty, so careless. What about the serene elegance of the Rover 75? Oh, oh, the mere mention of that name turns me on. I've got to admit it, too... the virile look of the Chevrolet Blazer arouses me, too.

I was too ashamed to admit those things in public for a long time. Until one night, while I was looking for more information about Brazilian cars, so exotic and... hot... I found a group dedicated to people like me. And I spend the rest of the night awake, reading every message on the forum, so happy to find like-minded individuals.

They teached me a lot of things.

I learned I shouldn't be ashamed for being sexually attracted by cars. I learned those 'pedestrians' out there have no right to insult me for me preferring cars over girls (or boys)- after all, I don't hurt anyone with my carophilia.

And they shared with me lots of porn featuring cars drawn by themselves. OK, some of them aren't brilliantly executed, I know, but the mere thought of those cars engaged on such audacious poses makes me orgasm. Besides, they think like me and they know what turns me on. And I don't understand why 'pedestrians' think they're nasty, poorly executed and tasteless.

They also have virtual universes where I can roleplay I'm a car, surrounded by other cars that feel and think like me. I've got eleven 'caracters' registered, from sassy VW vans to powerful Ferraris. Depending on my mood, I connect to a 'caracter' or another. If I told you how many sleepless nights I've spent, together with my carophile friends, tenderly embraced, bumper against bumper... ohh... I couldn't ever end.

The virtual scenario makes me shiver with delight as I picture myself as a shiny, powerful machine: my muscles are of steel, my heart is made of aluminium alloy and oil runs inside me instead of blood. My eyes are powerful xenon headlights and my mouth is a grille. My breathing sounds live a mighty V-8 engine instead of the whiney, high-pitched voice I've got in real life. When I roleplay there, I'm majestic and sporty.

Thanks to my carophile friends' help thru the Internet, I've discovered I'm not a simple and mere human being, and deep inside my heart, I'm actually a car. This epiphany came out at 3:50 AM after a furious sexual intercourse with my virtual husband, Andre__GolfGTI_3rdGen. In the post-mastu... er, post-coital laziness, I saw myself as a pearl 2005 Maserati Quatroporte. Oh, yes, that's what I am. All muscle and power on the outside, all energy and nerve on the inside yet with a touch of smoothness and refinement. Yes, that's what I am. I am a powerful machine, I'm a headturner.

I don't hear the voices of those silly pedestrians that don't understand me and say I'm mentally ill. Like my mom. I hear my mom all the time. She says I'm too fat, she says the hours I spend browsing the net looking for vroomy pics of cars or roleplaying I'm my own true self are burning my eyes. She says she's going to turn my computer off, but every time she gets closer to my computer, I acellerate and sound all "VROOOOOOOOM!" on a very menacing way and she turns back and runs away scared. Bah, my mom, the most pedestrian being of all pedestrians, what does she know about me, she never understood me, never wanted me, gave everything to my sister instead of me.

One of those days, I'll reveal my true form and will run over my mother and my sister and then I'll escape from this oppressing house, from this boring town with no flashy cars, from this dull, mediocre state to run on German Autobahns with no speed limits. Just wait and you'll see.

(Post note: this is a fictional essay, though loosely based on the feelings and thoughts I've seen posted on forums, LJs and assorted garbage related to a certain fandom I know).

Dr. Dos · Vociferator Joined: 11 Oct 2004 Posts: 718

I learned those 'pedestrians' out there have no right to insult me for me preferring cars over girls (or boys)- after all, I don't hurt anyone with my carophilia.

That's where you won 1st prize on the internet.

she says the hours I spend browsing the net looking for vroomy pics of cars or roleplaying I'm my own true self are burning my eyes

That's where they closed it down because it couldn't get any better.

Dr. Mojo · Vociferator Joined: 19 Feb 2005 Posts: 399

I saw the title of this thread and thought there would be a picture of that guy sticking his dick into his chevy's tailpipe.

Kadius · Needs to get out more Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 911

For a minute there, I thought you were actually serious.

Dr. Mojo · Vociferator Joined: 19 Feb 2005 Posts: 399

You could even apply the "why are peoples' spirit totems only certain animals" logic to this. Why is everybody on the internet a Porsche or Ferarri but not a Suzuki Sidekick?

(p.s. that's the car i drive ;( )

Monkey King · Vociferator Joined: 16 Jun 2005 Posts: 459

Oh God, that was brilliant. "Vroomy pics", hahaha. That needs archiving on the main site.

I've always been a winnebago on the inside, totally independant, driving so freeeeee

Goofy · Vociferator Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 311

Combine the two fetishes. Observe:

"People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads! They want names like 'Mustang' and 'Cheetah'. Vicious animal names."

Herb Powell was a furry.

Stoneth · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Dec 2004 Posts: 1225

My vroomy inner self is Japanese.

Stupid pedestrians don't understand autokins like us.

Mitch · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 658

It had to be posted!

Paul · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 1092

Mitch, what is that? Car show joke? Theme park equipment? Furry car enthusiast?

Mitch · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 658

Mitch, what is that? Car show joke? Theme park equipment? Furry car enthusiast?

It's a promotional vehicle for a brand of cat food.

Here's another one:

The New Meat · Needs to get out more Joined: 03 Jun 2003 Posts: 933

I am a 1985 Toyota Tercel.

SO BADASS

Dr. Mojo · Vociferator Joined: 19 Feb 2005 Posts: 399

THIS IS ME, GUYS.

Paul · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 1092

Mitch, what is that? Car show joke? Theme park equipment? Furry car enthusiast?

It's a promotional vehicle for a brand of cat food.

I'm relieved to learn that. :) They're cute.

Oh and hey guys, this is my totem spirit avatar inner self vehicle:

m_estrugo · Vociferator Joined: 13 Nov 2003 Posts: 534

If I was a car, I guess I'd be this....

though I'd like to be this:

GoManVanGogh · Vociferator Joined: 18 Nov 2003 Posts: 659

Here's mine.

Monkey King · Vociferator Joined: 16 Jun 2005 Posts: 459

So would Segways be what dragons are to furry?

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

CrazyBomber · Prattler Joined: 15 Sep 2003 Posts: 137

I would like to have a fully armored version of this car:

21st Century Digital Boy · Venter Joined: 27 Dec 2003 Posts: 202

OH GOD. SO VROOMY.

RUNNING OUT OF TISSUE HERE.

Barry Scott · Prattler Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 152

OH GOD. SO VROOMY.

What the hell is that? It looks like ThrustSSC on a tight budget!

21st Century Digital Boy · Venter Joined: 27 Dec 2003 Posts: 202

OH GOD. SO VROOMY.

What the hell is that? It looks like ThrustSSC on a tight budget!

The URL is pretty self-explanatory:

http://www.danphillips.com/personal/burning_man_2000/cars/images/mad_max_car.jpg

SkunkDogFromSpace · Venter Joined: 05 Jun 2005 Posts: 222

m_estrugo.. that was the best novel i've ever read..

5thehardway · Prattler Joined: 23 Nov 2004 Posts: 161

Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live
IN CARS

Monkey King · Vociferator Joined: 16 Jun 2005 Posts: 459

Nobody's mentioned the Mercury Mistress yet? For shame.

Goofy · Vociferator Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 311

OMG! CARPILE! SO HAAAAWT!

This is my totem car:

BEEP BEEP VROOM!

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

This is my totem car:

BEEP BEEP VROOM!

Shit.
I hate clowns.

M0us3_Zero · Vociferator Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 437

I'm a Vespa...

2 wheels
1 seat
No frills

Enough said. Won't go down this road further...

Kadius · Needs to get out more Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 911

I'd be one of those tiny shriner cars.

Goofy · Vociferator Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 311

I'd be one of those tiny shriner cars.

I'll race you! 3, 2, 1, GO!

BRRRRRM BRRRRRM!

VRRRRRRRM OH NO WATCH OUT FOR THE COW ON THE ROAD!

MOOOOO!!

SCREEECH! Whew that was a close one.. GASP! SOMEONE LEFT A SLIPPERY BANANA PEEL ON THE ROAD!

WATCH OUT I'M GOING TO CRASH!!! SCREEEEEEEECH!!

KABOOMSMASHCRASH!!

BANGBOOMEXPLODE!!!

Rose... bud...

RailFoxen · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jan 2005 Posts: 625

I don't know whether this thread was the result of genius or narcotics.

Goofy, you win an Internet.

Kadius · Needs to get out more Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 911

I enjoyed that.

Zenith Nadir · Qualificator Joined: 27 Jul 2005 Posts: 2

totally jerking it to bob the builder right now

oh dizzy the cement mixer, if only you were real
you are the light of my life, you are the sum of my dreams

SkunkDogFromSpace · Venter Joined: 05 Jun 2005 Posts: 222

But isn't Bob the builder stuff kinda.. pedo stuff D:?
Cars have babies you know.. http://members.aol.com/moggycat/carbreeding.htm

TheBobSays · Venter Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 236

NSFW, and not safe for sanity, either. But yes, a google search later, and such a thing does exist.

A guide to sex with cars (for males)

Gaze in darwin-award-winning details like 'Don't do this while the car is running!' and 'watch out for sharp edges!'

Written by one "Dekhyr Dragon." And looking from Google, this faq gets around.">

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

OOOOhhh yeah baby let me suck your hot exhaust pipe...oooohhhh!

Troggler · Venter Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 246

Jesus. The sheer possiblility of disaster in trying what these people are suggesting makes me terrified.

Why do I sense a Darwin Award in the making?

(And wasn't there a Darwin Award already for something like this or am I crazy?)

TheBobSays · Venter Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 236

Jesus. The sheer possiblility of disaster of trying what these people are suggestion makes me terrified.

Why do I sense a Darwin Award in the making?

(And wasn't there a Darwin Award already for something like this or am I crazy?)

You just wait. They'll start merging things, until there's a faq about sex with alligator cars!

OMG-NEWB!~!!! · Coadjutor Joined: 25 Jun 2005 Posts: 75

I heard a couple from India won a Darwin award for trying to concieve a child for five years. When they talked to a physician, it turns out, they'd been having anal sex.

Kadius · Needs to get out more Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 911

I heard a couple from India won a Darwin award for trying to concieve a child for five years. When they talked to a physician, it turns out, they'd been having anal sex.

And they were both men.

CI · Apocrisiary Joined: 27 Jul 2005 Posts: 50

:lol: For five years? I mean, didn't they notice any other orifices in that time?

Monkey King · Vociferator Joined: 16 Jun 2005 Posts: 459

Silly CI. That hole is just where the baby comes out.

Trista · Prattler Joined: 30 May 2005 Posts: 156

Cars have babies you know.. http://members.aol.com/moggycat/carbreeding.htm

Truck babies!