Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

SLaitila · Vociferator Joined: 03 Jun 2003 Posts: 490

How to survive the real world.

Hello all you crazy little fellows. This guide is made mostly to help people devoid of a working social life and/or financial stability to get the weels rolling.

First of all, let's discuss the term "real world." It is by all means not the world of mucks or chatrooms regardless of how many real people are present in the forementioned mediums. Neither is the real world filled with werewolves, unicorns, gryphons nor threatened with the presence of voldemort.

NOT A REAL PERSON

REAL PERSON

The said real world is filled with people, all of them having different motives, different political stances and most importantly still functioning with one another regardless of differing views (1).

So, what do you have to do to to be a valid part of this functioning mash of diversity? Time to take a good look in the mirror.

1. Hygiene.

This is a vital part of the impression you give to people. Nobody loves a stinker. To make things clear I have made a short checklist in how to keep up with this hygiene thingy.

-Shower at least three times a week, if temperature is above 15 degrees celsius, shower daily. Use soap and shampoo at least twice a week unless hair care requires otherwise.
-Use deodorant daily. If allergic, consult your physician.
-Brush your teeth daily.
-If you have bad teeth, visit a dentist - urgently.
-Keep your face and/or facial hair clean.
-Change underwear and socks daily.
-Change shirt at least twice a week, recommended every other day.
-Change pants at least once a week, recommended twice a week
-Keep your house and/or apartment clean, which means: Wash dishes twice a week and do a full cleaning every two weeks.

2. Personal appearance.

Now that your personal hygiene is fixed, let's look at your wardrobe. You will not need a miracle, or piles of money to look better, just the right people to consult these issues. (2) People in fashion shops are professionals in customer service and they can help you pick the right clothes. This also applies to your hair style. Do not let your mom cut your hair, go to a hair stylist and let her decide. Also, if you are reading this, you probably don't look sexy with long hair so cut the ponytail. Here are some of the clothing items you should avoid.
-Military colors
-Wildlife print t-shirts
-Furrlough, genus or other furry-themed t-shirts
-Funny t-shirts unless they're cool(3)
-Clothes that don't fit
-trucker caps
-Any hats with pins on
-fanny packs
-ANY ANIME, CARTOON OR COMIC BOOK PARAPHERNALIA
-Anything dirty, with visible stains on
-Aviator glasses or any glasses worn in the 70's or 80's
-Huge fucking sunglasses
-Tails fox ears or fursuits

Here we have some examples on people who have chosen the right wardrobe.

YES

This man has a job, he is a ceo, at least according to google image search he is.

NO

Classic case of geeky larp druid what fucking ever. Women, pet owners and small children fear this man.

YES

Possibly gay or european. Regardless, very stylish, great use of black and white.

NO

Furry con attendee, awful use of black and white.

YES

This is SLaitila, possibly the sexiest man on earth. A example of a well-picked shirt.

NO

Also a furry con attendee, scary shirt.

3. Socializing

Conversation requires practice. Let's go through some issues that you should avoid while meeting new people. First of all, most people don't hate furries - they just don't give a shit about it. It also means they couldn't care less to talk about genus or sibe or whatever touches the fandom at the time. Avoid talking about the furry fandom, never talk about your furry avatar, furry spirituality, furry pornography or other shit considered kooky by normal people. They will not attack you if you do mention these but most people will think you're a creep and will try to leave as soon as possible. People don't give a flying fuck about cartoons. Don't show that print of Balto's Jenna stored in your wallet mentioning how cute it is, because that is also creepy. Try to avoid subjects where extreme political or religious views might come apparent because it will grow into an argument. Also, do not talk about your sex life, nobody wants to know. If you don't have anything to say, ask. How their day went, current events, anything. Also, respect their personal space, everyone is not in need for a hug or especially scritching. Basically, try not to be creepy.

4: Getting a Job

(by Foxid)
Obtaining and maintaining employment are important steps to surviving in the real world. But what kind of job is right for you? Chances are, it's not what you think. Sadly, in the real world, simply playing video games does not qualify you to design them; nor does building a Geocities web page qualify you to be a webmaster. Those careers require intelligence, education, hard work, and talent.

Little Billy wants a powerful and well-paying job, so he's off to college! Uh oh, Billy... be careful filling out that declaration of major form. Computer Science is harder than you think, Applied Art degrees require actual talent, and a Liberal Arts degree may be your ticket straight to the Fast Food industry.

(By SLaitila)
As a computer science major, I know it is not easy, it involves subjects difficult enough to keep you working on your studies at least 12 hours a day. (4)

First of all, if you're even thinking about physical work, make sure you're physical enogh to meet the standards. If you have a severe weight problem, or even worse, look like the mother from Gilbert Grape, getting work will be significantly harder than for a person of normal proportions. P.T.Barnum is dead and so is his freak show, circuses won't hire fat people because undoubtedly someone in the audience will be fatter. Fast food restaurants will not hire obese people, pretty much for the same reasons as jewelry stores won't hire people with cleptomania.

5. Getting in shape for the real world

It's simple, though a tad painful:
-No white bread, use rye bread instead
-No mayonnaise, or other mayo based dressing on bread
-200 grams of candy a week MAXIMUM
-At least 30% of your daily food consumption must consist of fresh vegetables or fruit.
-NO JUNK FOOD
-Home cooked meals, prefer white meat, if you can't cook, learn to cook.
-Vegetable-based oils ONLY
-Don't use sugar in your coffee or tea
-At least three hours of exersize weekly. Cycling, fast-paced walking, gym, anything that makes you sweat.
-NO FUCKING EXCUSES

Conclusion

Basically you should just keep the furry stuff in your own home. Also, don't be creepy. And get off the damn computer once in a while.

(1) Soccer hooligans don't count so cut the sarcasm.
(2) IN OTHER WORDS, NOT YOUR MOM.
(3) Cool does NOT mean cute, nor does it mean Artica Lagopus
(4) Which means, of course, forget about the epic Star Trek Chakat porn anthology project you've been planning to start.

Dr. Dos · Vociferator Joined: 11 Oct 2004 Posts: 718

I LOLed at the use of black and white.

Kadius · Needs to get out more Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 911

Also, do not talk about your sex life, nobody wants to know.

You should bold this. And repeat it atleast twice.

GoManVanGogh · Vociferator Joined: 18 Nov 2003 Posts: 659

I'd like to see a psuedo-educational film made out of this.

Beauty of Nature · Prattler Joined: 29 May 2005 Posts: 178

Looking at a photo with the caption "this is a real person" reminds me of Magritte's "Ceci N'est Pas Un Chapeau."

You forgot to add advice about financial stability or autonomy.
Like how to move out of mothers basement and how not to live on welfare.

Foxid · Venter Joined: 17 Jun 2005 Posts: 298

Attempt at contribution!

4: Getting a Job

Obtaining and maintaining employment are important steps to surviving in the real world. But what kind of job is right for you? Chances are, it's not what you think. Sadly, in the real world, simply playing video games does not qualify you to design them; nor does building a Geocities web page qualify you to be a webmaster. Those careers require intelligence, education, hard work, and talent.

Little Billy wants a powerful and well-paying job, so he's off to college! Uhoh, Billy...be careful filling out that declaration of major form. Computer Science is harder than you think, Applied Art degrees require actual talent, and a Liberal Arts degree may be your ticket straight to the Fast Food industry.

...bah, that's all I can come up with for now.

AlbinoHagfish · Prattler Joined: 31 Jul 2005 Posts: 199

Attempt at contribution!

4: Getting a Job

Obtaining and maintaining employment are important steps to surviving in the real world. But what kind of job is right for you? Chances are, it's not what you think. Sadly, in the real world, simply playing video games does not qualify you to design them; nor does building a Geocities web page qualify you to be a webmaster. Those careers require intelligence, education, hard work, and talent.

Little Billy wants a powerful and well-paying job, so he's off to college! Uhoh, Billy...be careful filling out that declaration of major form. Computer Science is harder than you think, Applied Art degrees require actual talent, and a Liberal Arts degree may be your ticket straight to the Fast Food industry.

...bah, that's all I can come up with for now.

Let me try. Admittedly I have littler experiance but I can toss in what I DO know, which would be in or before the college section. Little Billy was Foxid's thang so I just go with you:
Now mommy may not want to send you off so fast, or she may just have given up all hope. College requires scholarships, and without those, money. Odds are grades were never important to you, the school computer lab meant for wank material during your lonely lunch hour in the restrooms. Many places will hire without questions: Grocery stores, theme parks, janitorial services.
But you, with your sensitivity and whining, will find these jobs distasteful. Why on earth should a noble dragon slavishly clean the commercialist excrement of those filthy humans? Well, consider this: isn't it better than eating it right out of their garbage bins? For the internet, you need money, and without the internet where are your pouncefests, your furends, your yiffmates?
Suck it up and get a job somewhere with perks. You like to eat, don't you dear? Try McDonald's and eat some on your break. Go on, they don't care. Or try KFC, although you may not want to eat it afterwards. Aw heck, what am I saying? Of course you would.

...All I've got.

SquareMoogle · Vociferator Joined: 16 Dec 2004 Posts: 357

This seems like an interesting tid-bit, I'm actually considering doing a 5-10 minute jesting video on this if I end up getting a mini-DV camera soon.

Hey little Billy, what do you have there?
One of the first issues of Genus, I adore it so.
Uh oh, looks like SOMEONE needs some help on how to act in the real world!

AngryPuritan · Needs to get out more Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Posts: 1361

The skunk tail bearer looks disturbingly familiar...

SLaitila · Vociferator Joined: 03 Jun 2003 Posts: 490

Foxid's text added, also a little extra on the getting a job part. Also getting in shape added.

baserock love · Vociferator Joined: 04 Dec 2004 Posts: 685

I lol'd 3 times. Specially at the pics and the job. Maybe take out a couple bullet points at the beginning. The guy that ran for governer and had his inflatable unicorn porn exposed or whatever his name was could stand to read this. He ran under the green party cuz they were the only ones that would let him campaign in a fursuit :x

IceCat · Venter Joined: 31 Oct 2003 Posts: 244

The skunk tail bearer looks disturbingly familiar...

That guy was at AnthroCon, I could'nt forget someone that stupid looking eather.

AngryPuritan · Needs to get out more Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Posts: 1361

I think he's someone pseudo famous, because I remember seeing him in more than just a pass-in-the-halls fashion. Perhaps I saw him in a room I visited or something, or he sat in on a lecture... Fuck, I almost can recall his name.

creature · Vociferator Joined: 06 Nov 2003 Posts: 520

I think he is one of the Germans that come over here every year for AC.

GoManVanGogh · Vociferator Joined: 18 Nov 2003 Posts: 659

This seems like an interesting tid-bit, I'm actually considering doing a 5-10 minute jesting video on this if I end up getting a mini-DV camera soon.

Hey little Billy, what do you have there?
One of the first issues of Genus, I adore it so.
Uh oh, looks like SOMEONE needs some help on how to act in the real world!

Actually, I was pictureing something more along the lines of those old Disney "How To" cartoons featuring Goofy;

"How to Ski"
"How to Swim"
"How to Ride a Horse"
"How to Golf"
etc.

And if you need someone to provide the voice for the pompous, upper-class Bostonian narrator, I can do it pretty decently.

Dr. Dos · Vociferator Joined: 11 Oct 2004 Posts: 718

How to Ski fucking ruled.

Ruphia · Qualificator Joined: 03 Mar 2005 Posts: 24

Wasn't there a "How to get in shape" one, too?

GoManVanGogh · Vociferator Joined: 18 Nov 2003 Posts: 659

Wasn't there a "How to get in shape" one, too?

Yeah, they used fottage from it in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"......

Oy, did that use up it's 15 minutes of fame or what?

Dejan · Prattler Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 103

Those old Goofy toons rocked. Also liked the similar Donald Duck ones where he went camping with the nephews 'n stuff.
Those two could even make boring square Mickey Mouse somewhat amusing in that toon where they had to move because they were about to be evicted.

also:

Here are some of the clothing items you should avoid.

-Furrlough, genus or other furry-themed t-shirts

Hey! :D

SLaitila · Vociferator Joined: 03 Jun 2003 Posts: 490

I'd say the article is pretty much finished, no further additions needed.

enjoying some delicious ouzo, its tendency to turn white when water is added just screams for semen-jokes.

eatenmyeyes · Qualificator Joined: 23 Jan 2004 Posts: 26

...-ANY ANIME, CARTOON OR COMIC BOOK PARAPHERNALIA...

Damn. So very close...

creature · Vociferator Joined: 06 Nov 2003 Posts: 520

To add to appearence:

Skin, take care of it. There is at least an isle filled with products to help clear up your skin and help you take better care of it. I personally recommend Neutrogena (the T/Gel Shampoo is great for dandruff) and Nivea products. There are at least a dozen lines of products geared towards men and women seperately. I recommend testing certion lines with your skin, as some work better on different types of skin.

Here is a list of what to look for from either Neutrogena or Niva:

http://www.neutrogena.com
Neutrogena T/Gel Shampoo
Neutrogena Skin Clearing Shave Cream
Neutrogena Skin Clearing Face Wash

http://www.nivea.com
Nivea for Men Double Action Face Wash

It's best to use these products at least twice a week, more depending on the product. I use the Nivea for Men Double Action Face Wash and Neutrogena T/Gel Shampoo daily, along with Neutrogena Skin Clearing Face Wash twice a week. Look through the websites and see what you like, but don't be limited by what's listed as this is just what I use.