Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

Banrai · Vociferator Joined: 13 Jan 2005 Posts: 560

http://captainpackrat.com/yiffy_guide/YiffyGuide.pdf -- NSFW

...What scares me the absolute most is that this is probably distributed at Cons worldwide. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST SAY 'DONT FUCK'.

The FurryWIKI says about it "...The guide was written in 1996 by Andrew Murphy-Mee and contains artwork by Charles Davies, Brian Harp, Lance Rund, Ken Sample, Sean Thomas, Sean Wilkinson and Wookiee..."

Dejan · Prattler Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 103

It's ambiguous.

Of course it's totally goofy and tells a lot about the hollow facade that the "The fandom is not all about sex! Really!" standpoint is and has been.
But it's also a nicely effective way of reaching those individuals that REALLY want their sad, sad regrettable consex (omg teh jiffeh art!) and at least TRY to make them use protection.
Of course said sad individuals (the dumb and horny) will feel that their behaviour is validated by the brochure, but they are lost causes anyway and just telling them the obvious (NOT to have sex) falls on deaf ears (penis in ear = dance all night).

I'm too lazy to do research: Was that thing part of Merlinos campaign to turn the fandom into a giant swinger party?

The cynic in me naturally says that STD's are the Darwinian way of culling the clueless, but the thought of the typical "con crud" that everyone seems to catch every year extending into the pubic area is too much.

On a humoristical side note:
Those lesbian does may seem into it but dental dams? Eeew! Those things are awful and way too thick. May be safer, but you might as well stick your tounge into a dishwashing rubberglove, better go with the cellophane foil (disclaimer: I only know about the consistency of dental damns because I'm a dental technician). If you're not sure if your unwashed cunnilingus partner wipes her butt from the back to the front or has some interesting form of yeast farm in her baby cave (I think I swiped that analogy from a webcomic) then DON'T GO DOWN THERE!
If you go for the brown... do the dam.. you need all the protection you can get you coli-swallowing brownnoser.

*EDIT* deer not roos. Duh.

Dr. Dos · Vociferator Joined: 11 Oct 2004 Posts: 718

i cannot begin to describe this.

Duck Stab · Qualificator Joined: 15 Oct 2004 Posts: 36

I love that part about cleaning whips "regardless of whether they drew blood or not".

weird_guy_in_the_corner · Vociferator Joined: 14 Oct 2004 Posts: 708

This thing has the worst font ever; the letter M looks like an R and an N.

Also: What's with the euphemisms? It reads like a porno even though there's no reason for it to. We've got "hard, erect cock", "fucking" and "cum". It appears furries can't read anyhting unless it has porno slang in it.

Also also: Except for one instance it's all gay and lesbian sex, and even in that one instance the female sort of looks like a man. What the fuck? They could've at least tried to appeal to the heterosexual minority.

TheBobSays · Venter Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 236

*EDIT* deer not roos. Duh.

Slightly veering off topic, but I've mostly given up on trying to tell what species a furry is supposed to be. It's like telling the gender of an anime character. Sure, in each one there's some obvious signs (tail markings, oversized breasts), but really, sometimes they're so generic they're just interchangable.

Also: What's with the euphemisms? It reads like a porno even though there's no reason for it to. We've got "hard, erect cock", "fucking" and "cum". It appears furries can't read anyhting unless it has porno slang in it.

Porno slang and pretty pretty pictures. Then again, it pretty much admits to such trickery in the first paragraph. It's a high school sex ed course disguised as a wank rag.

Also also: Except for one instance it's all gay and lesbian sex, and even in that one instance the female sort of looks like a man. What the fuck? They could've at least tried to appeal to the heterosexual minority.

Also note the high emphasis on AIDS, with only passing references to other diseases. It's worse than kittens, I tells you!

Actually, that does bring up an interesting question, albeit a sensitive topic: What is the infection rate of AIDS in the fandom, and how much of a communication vector are cons for various STDs?

Stoneth · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Dec 2004 Posts: 1225

I remember when this was first available off Captain Packrat's site only in Word doc form. What bugs me the most is how they furry-ize the speech. "Muzzle fucked"? "Under your tail"? Hey furries! Sorry to ruin your little fantasy world but, guess what? You don't have muzzles or tails!

What I love the most however is how Captain Packrat promotes the guide on his own site:

This document contains nudity and frank discussions of sexuality, including homosexuality. However, in today's world, with AIDS and the rising teen pregnancy rate, it is important for everyone to learn about safer sex. Parents, review the material in this document, and discuss it with your children. Your children can never be too young for you to have a talk with them about safe sex. Remember, their life may depend on it.

Discuss it with your children?

"Son, it's time we had a talk. You're becoming a man and your body is going through changes. Your voice will change, your face will look like shit and soon you'll have these new desires. Desires which might include wanting to muzzle fuck a yiffy vixen or have some wolf's notted cock up your tailhole."
"What the fuck? Muzzle? Tail?"
"Trust me on this one, son. Your life may depend on it!"

peppersprayed · Vociferator Joined: 23 Aug 2005 Posts: 369

they just can't do anything normally can they?

Foxid · Venter Joined: 17 Jun 2005 Posts: 298

(penis in ear = dance all night).

WIN

"Son, it's time we had a talk. You're becoming a man and your body is going through changes. Your voice will change, your face will look like shit and soon you'll have these new desires. Desires which might include wanting to muzzle fuck a yiffy vixen or have some wolf's notted cock up your tailhole."
"What the fuck? Muzzle? Tail?"
"Trust me on this one, son. Your life may depend on it!"

ALSO WIN

Weird_guy: that's a good point, but if they really wanted to reflect the true composition of the fandom, they'd have made it 90% gay, 5% les, and 5% hetero. Also, most of the gay scenes would need to point out that both partners actually consider themselves 'bisexual' :roll:

CrazyBomber · Prattler Joined: 15 Sep 2003 Posts: 137

"Son, it's time we had a talk. You're becoming a man and your body is going through changes. Your voice will change, your face will look like shit and soon you'll have these new desires. Desires which might include wanting to muzzle fuck a yiffy vixen or have some wolf's notted cock up your tailhole."
"What the fuck? Muzzle? Tail?"
"Trust me on this one, son. Your life may depend on it!"

!!!

AngryPuritan · Needs to get out more Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Posts: 1361

I think when something like this needs to be printed, the 8th grade sex ed classes have failed. I mean, I want to laugh, and believe (in my happy magical land) that such a thing is unneeded. Surely human pamphlets like this, without discussion of 'muzzles' and 'yiff' would work better, but...

Well, some people I know could really benefit from this. And hey, even if adults need silly little guides like this to keep from getting HIV, so be it. It's silly, but hey, why not?

Doesn't stop me from laughing at it though.

Ray Prower · Prattler Joined: 11 Apr 2005 Posts: 166

I think when something like this needs to be printed, the 8th grade sex ed classes have failed. I mean, I want to laugh, and believe (in my happy magical land) that such a thing is unneeded. Surely human pamphlets like this, without discussion of 'muzzles' and 'yiff' would work better, but...

Well, some people I know could really benefit from this. And hey, even if adults need silly little guides like this to keep from getting HIV, so be it. It's silly, but hey, why not?

Doesn't stop me from laughing at it though.

Nobody listens in those things, ever. I was a student aide for a "Health" education class in my junior year, and very few of the students seemed interested at all.

I agree with you on the last part. If they need it, why the hell not? Still fucking hilarious though.

peppersprayed · Vociferator Joined: 23 Aug 2005 Posts: 369

I think when something like this needs to be printed, the 8th grade sex ed classes have failed. I mean, I want to laugh, and believe (in my happy magical land) that such a thing is unneeded. Surely human pamphlets like this, without discussion of 'muzzles' and 'yiff' would work better, but...

Well, some people I know could really benefit from this. And hey, even if adults need silly little guides like this to keep from getting HIV, so be it. It's silly, but hey, why not?

Doesn't stop me from laughing at it though.

Nobody listens in those things, ever. I was a student aide for a "Health" education class in my junior year, and very few of the students seemed interested at all.

I agree with you on the last part. If they need it, why the hell not? Still fucking hilarious though.

Uh I lived in Tennessee, I got in trouble for more or less calling out the bullshit. They got some guy with herpies with the abstinence is the only thing you need to know, sex is bad, masturbation is bad mmkay spiel. I called him out on it, by that time I had taken it upon myself to read quite a few reports on human sexuality and I suspect I knew more than the speaker. I was a geek so of course I went with the studies as opposed to actual first hand knowledge, but I still should have been more credible than that dumbass.

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

Oh man, how I laughed.
And look, they've even managed to stick Fifi Lafume in there! I bet ol' Cigarskunk had fun with this.
Oh man, and I love how they furrify the hell out of it, as Stoneth mentioned.
"THE FURRY WEARING THE CONDOM"
"UNDER THE TAIL"
"MUZZLE"
"GO GET YIFFY"
Not to mention that they guys who made this thing have probably never had sex with anyone other than a dildo and their hand before. It's like a guide written byblind people on how to solve a 'magic eye' puzzle.
Fuck. I'm starting to really, really, hate furries. Like, more than usual.
and come to think of it...this little pamphlet thingy is giving me an idea! :twisted:

Troggler · Venter Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 246

After reading this, I laughed, because I thought it was a parody. Then I stopped laughing because I realized people took this seriously. Then I started laughing again, but harder this time.

LOLZ

AngryPuritan · Needs to get out more Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Posts: 1361

Not to mention that they guys who made this thing have probably never had sex with anyone other than a dildo and their hand before. It's like a guide written byblind people on how to solve a 'magic eye' puzzle.

The artists or author? Because most of this is standard faggot knowledge (no oil based lubes, experation dates, 'rimming', whatnot) and the rest can be found in any high school 'Health' textbook or from the government of Canada's online guide for sex.

That, and at least one of the artists is married (although from what I understand, he still has hermtaur encounters on FurryMUCK anyway, for better or for worse).

and come to think of it...this little pamphlet thingy is giving me an idea! :twisted:

If you're thinking what I'm thinking, been done.

See?

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

Not to mention that they guys who made this thing have probably never had sex with anyone other than a dildo and their hand before. It's like a guide written byblind people on how to solve a 'magic eye' puzzle.

The artists or author? Because most of this is standard faggot knowledge (no oil based lubes, experation dates, 'rimming', whatnot) and the rest can be found in any high school 'Health' textbook or from the government of Canada's online guide for sex.

That, and at least one of the artists is married (although from what I understand, he still has hermtaur encounters on FurryMUCK anyway, for better or for worse).

and come to think of it...this little pamphlet thingy is giving me an idea! :twisted:

If you're thinking what I'm thinking, been done.

See?

Well, the fag knowledge can be easily ganked from the internet...:p
As for the idea...
I was thinking somewhere more along the lines of smothering myself in a fursuit, but that works too... :lol:

TheBobSays · Venter Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 236

I was thinking somewhere more along the lines of smothering myself in a fursuit, but that works too... :lol:

Hoobawhatta? You were thinking along the lines of what?

Paul · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 1092

I was thinking somewhere more along the lines of smothering myself in a fursuit

That's going to be one weird autopsy report.

creature · Vociferator Joined: 06 Nov 2003 Posts: 520

Get the feeling these are the people that get drunk at furry cons and wake up the next day, both yelling "OHSHIT!" when they see each other.

Donotsue · Needs to get out more Joined: 17 Jan 2004 Posts: 884

But of course these guys have had sex. =) Least the gay kind...

Funny that I never got a copy of this in all my years... or even saw it...
Maybe they all thought I won't need it anyway!

In fact they never tried to pick me up at cons...Oh god...I'm ugly!!

GoManVanGogh · Vociferator Joined: 18 Nov 2003 Posts: 659

I remember Ted Sheppard did a parody of this featuring "Roadkill the Skull-Puppy"....

ARRRGH!

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

I was thinking somewhere more along the lines of smothering myself in a fursuit

That's going to be one weird autopsy report.

It's better than that guy who died while being fucked by a horse! :wink:

Paul · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 1092

I was thinking somewhere more along the lines of smothering myself in a fursuit

That's going to be one weird autopsy report.

It's better than that guy who died while being fucked by a horse! :wink:

:shock: Please tell me that's not true.

TheBobSays · Venter Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 236

I was thinking somewhere more along the lines of smothering myself in a fursuit

That's going to be one weird autopsy report.

It's better than that guy who died while being fucked by a horse! :wink:

:shock: Please tell me that's not true.

Thread and the article, from July. Although, technically, he probably did die afterwards. Internal bleeding is like that.

Paul · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 1092

Thread and the article, from July. Although, technically, he probably did die afterwards. Internal bleeding is like that.

Fuck. I'd happily forgotten about that. Thanks for refreshing my memory, I guess. Now I'll have to: 1) kick myself for asking; 2) rinse my brain with bleach.

derridamnit · Lurker Joined: 16 Nov 2005 Posts: 1

Maybe someone should fabricate a pamphlet talking about the dangers of horse-man sodomy.

"The best way to go is prevention! Don't let a horse sodomize you, no matter how suave he may be! IT'S ALL A RUSE TO PERFORATE YOUR COLON!"

stinkweedskunk · Prattler Joined: 14 Nov 2005 Posts: 122

Geez, somebody was actually handing these things out in the lobby at AC '04, without regards to if the people actually wanted to see the "artwork" inside or not. Dunno if the guy was actually employed by the makers of the pamphlet or just trying to "squick" people.

Stoneth · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Dec 2004 Posts: 1225

I still can't imagine people actually passing this shit out with a straight face. That's got to be some sort of sick joke. Anyone who honestly believes that this will prevent someone from getting an STD probably also believes that on the inside they are a herm dragon with a four foot schlong, oh wait...

AngryPuritan · Needs to get out more Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Posts: 1361

I know at least 3 people I talk with who could benefit from this... sadly.

Geez, somebody was actually handing these things out in the lobby at AC '04, without regards to if the people actually wanted to see the "artwork" inside or not. Dunno if the guy was actually employed by the makers of the pamphlet or just trying to "squick" people.

Do we remember a name or a face? Might have been one of the artists.

stinkweedskunk · Prattler Joined: 14 Nov 2005 Posts: 122

I know at least 3 people I talk with who could benefit from this... sadly.

Geez, somebody was actually handing these things out in the lobby at AC '04, without regards to if the people actually wanted to see the "artwork" inside or not. Dunno if the guy was actually employed by the makers of the pamphlet or just trying to "squick" people.

Do we remember a name or a face? Might have been one of the artists.

Sorta shaggy, lanky looking, with an EWS or some such similar shirt on I think. I think I just described 99% of the fandom though. I don't make it a priority to remember faces very well.

Donotsue · Needs to get out more Joined: 17 Jan 2004 Posts: 884

Hooray! It's world AIDS day! =)

This made me laff so I share!

GoManVanGogh · Vociferator Joined: 18 Nov 2003 Posts: 659

OHHW!

OHHHHW!!

OHHHHHHHHW!!!

Dr. Dos · Vociferator Joined: 11 Oct 2004 Posts: 718

Philip Savage · Prattler Joined: 17 Nov 2005 Posts: 129

I think I set fire to a stand of those pamphlets once...then I got arrested. What gives? I was doing them a favor. The more furries that get deadly, life-threatening STDs from their mindless fucking the better. (Unless, of course, the victim is one of those seven mentally "normal" ones...are there even seven?)

P.S. "Yiff" is a retarded word and I want it killed. Send the ninjas.

Dr. Dos · Vociferator Joined: 11 Oct 2004 Posts: 718

Somebody's angry.

Philip Savage · Prattler Joined: 17 Nov 2005 Posts: 129

Somebody's angry.

Oh, only a little.
They deserve to die and I hope they burn in the oozing, pulsating bowels of bloody hell.

MonicaKitty · Vociferator Joined: 24 Feb 2005 Posts: 663

Time was when I heard "yiff" I thought "mispronounced peant butter". Now I just cry softly and remember the good, innocent times.

Philip Savage · Prattler Joined: 17 Nov 2005 Posts: 129

I'm going to kill whoever made up that word...and "fursona". That word pisses me off..."fusonal", that's retarded. I feel a massive rant coming on...

MonicaKitty · Vociferator Joined: 24 Feb 2005 Posts: 663

I'm going to kill whoever made up that word...and "fursona". That word pisses me off..."fusonal", that's retarded. I feel a massive rant coming on...

Lest you forget... Fursecution!!!!

Philip Savage · Prattler Joined: 17 Nov 2005 Posts: 129

Lest you forget... Fursecution!!!!

Oh, how could I forget? I wish I knew.

AngryPuritan · Needs to get out more Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Posts: 1361

The ire is strong with this one.

Philip Savage · Prattler Joined: 17 Nov 2005 Posts: 129

The ire is strong with this one.

Soon...my journy toward the dark side shall be complete! Erm...sorry. Nerded out for a second there.

peppersprayed · Vociferator Joined: 23 Aug 2005 Posts: 369

I think I set fire to a stand of those pamphlets once...then I got arrested. What gives? I was doing them a favor. The more furries that get deadly, life-threatening STDs from their mindless fucking the better. (Unless, of course, the victim is one of those seven mentally "normal" ones...are there even seven?)

P.S. "Yiff" is a retarded word and I want it killed. Send the ninjas.

I know at least one personally and I live in Tennessee so I say yes there are at least seven :roll:

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

Hooray! It's world AIDS day! =)

This made me laff so I share!

Ahahahaha. I have to lj-icon-ize that.

Time was when I heard "yiff" I thought "mispronounced peant butter". Now I just cry softly and remember the good, innocent times.

CHOOSY MOMS CHOOSE YIFF!

EFudd · Prattler Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 140

Could you imagine what it would be like if this was an actual...
Dr. Phils daily

I'm going to kill whoever made up that word...and "fursona". That word pisses me off..."fusonal", that's retarded. I feel a massive rant coming on...

Well, as long as you don't go off the deep end someplace where they treat malls as some mecca or gorge themselves at the food court. Bottom line: Don't do what the Tacoma guy do'd.

Soon...my journy toward the dark side shall be complete! Erm...sorry. Nerded out for a second there

Nah, thats not the furdum flaring up your dark side. Sometimes you have to find some "signature" to distinguish your dark side. However...you ever see James Garner in Tank (1984)?

Philip Savage · Prattler Joined: 17 Nov 2005 Posts: 129

However...you ever see James Garner in Tank (1984)?

Yep...wait a minute...nope.

Monkey King · Vociferator Joined: 16 Jun 2005 Posts: 459

I know at least one personally and I live in Tennessee so I say yes there are at least seven :roll:

Tell me where? I showed up for the TNFur's 4th of July picnic a couple years ago, and if there were any there, they were doing a good job of staying out of sight.

peppersprayed · Vociferator Joined: 23 Aug 2005 Posts: 369

I know at least one personally and I live in Tennessee so I say yes there are at least seven :roll:

Tell me where? I showed up for the TNFur's 4th of July picnic a couple years ago, and if there were any there, they were doing a good job of staying out of sight.

Alex Beffrey in Knoxville

I don't think he's been to a furcon before