Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

Michael Hirtes · Coadjutor Joined: 04 Aug 2003 Posts: 519

Right on today's Front Page:

"Since I took this gig writing for Something Awful almost three years ago I have encountered an increasing volume of perversity on the Internet as part of my job description. I've gone from randomly encountering it, to actively seeking it out for the purposes of mockery. I've found individuals and groups that have sexualized things like sneezing, farting, popping balloons, inflating latex or rubber body suits, and most frequently, I've encountered furries.

I won't bore you with the complete history of the furry culture, but needless to say it is relatively long, convoluted, and owes the penis-sheathed lion's share of its popularity to the Internet. It has gradually transformed over the years from a slight fixation with anthropomorphic characters to a lifestyle choice that involves donning elaborate costumes and awkwardly humping in convention center hotels. The bottom line is that furries would basically be nonexistent were it not for the Internet. They would be thousands - maybe tens of thousands - of healthy and relatively well adjusted people with maybe a slight fascination with Gadget from "Rescue Rangers. In other words they would be "Mundanes" as the furries call the rest of us with hilarious derision.

Unlike child molesters, furries aren't hurting anyone or anything beyond maybe their parent's dignity, so why should we care? Because, furries are perhaps the best example of the uniting power of the Internet gone wrong. Composed almost to a person of outsiders, nerds, and the generally disenfranchised, furries went from a sort of dorky support group to a hardcore, aggressive, and somewhat abrasive sexual identifier in a matter of a few years. IRC rooms, websites, and even the presence of furries in various more normal Internet locales have attracted those who have difficulty finding their place in this world. There can be no convincing argument made that their lifestyle is genetic, necessary, or anything but forced. They have latched onto the lifestyle purely out of desperation and a need for acceptance.

Once they are a part of the furry lifestyle they devote all available energy to it almost without exception. They draw furry art, write furry stories, attend conventions of likeminded individuals, and in extreme cases don the aforementioned suits and commence humping. Some even go to the borderline psychosis extreme of acting out a "fur" identity at all times by using their furry alter ego and its fictitious behavior in an almost spiritual sense on a day to day basis. For some being a furry is roughly analogous - in terms of the impact it has on their life - to being a member of a cult, although I'm not even suggesting that I expect furries to consume poison Sunny-D en masse any time soon.

Furries are the most obvious example of a pervasive trend on the Internet for spontaneous, almost unexplainable, and definitely bizarre sexual identities to be created from scratch. From there they are enabled by the Internet to snowball out of control, picking up the debris of society that might have otherwise found a respectable or positive way to contribute to our culture. I hate to admit it, but there are a few really fucking talented furry artists, and it saddens me to see them shit away their skills drawing anthropomorphic reptile penises because they shackled their identity to an Internet-based cultural phenomenon. I can't really struggle through reading much furry erotic fiction, but I'm sure there are some genuinely talented writers buried amidst the whale vagina insertion stories and sexualized cannibalism yarns.

I've talked about how the Internet enables pedophiles, furries, and others to congregate and share ideas, but I only briefly touched on the most important aspect of this. In the endless expanse of communications the Internet is, probably the greatest and most terrible gift it offers to furries, pedophiles, and others, is the ability to shut themselves off from the mainstream. They huddle in cloisters that are virtually unassailable by the outside world and whisper encouraging things to one another that would be nearly impossible to say in real life. Free from the pressures of society to conform to a boring standard they go in the exact opposite direction, externalizing things that are roughly as far from "normal" as can be expected. Then, within their protected virtual enclaves, they declare these things to be the norm. By declaring their perversions, mores, and general imbecility to be their own status quo they have simultaneously validated their own existence and demonstrated the inferiority of outsiders.

A sense of belonging and community is disturbing and sad in the hands of furries and downright dangerous in the hands of pedophiles. Nonetheless, this is what the Internet has given to these groups, and it can be both a peril to the members and, in the case of menaces like pedophiles, a peril to the rest of us.

I apologize for being so verbose and relatively serious on this topic, but it has concerned me for quite some time and I felt the need to expound on it. I appreciate those of you who have indulged me thus far and promise I have plotted a direct course for the ultimate conclusion.

Let's return, at last, to my moral dilemma regarding government intervention. My belief in the human right to free speech trumps any bone-deep desire to see all of them - pedophiles, inflation fetishists, furries, etc. - burned by black-suited teams from the NSA carrying flamethrowers. I respect their right to say all of the stupid and horrible things they say, their right to draw children being violated by old men, and their right to compose epic ten volume sagas about a bipedal horse that can insert buildings into its foreskin.

I respect these things, demand that they be afforded their rights under the law, and then I turn to virtually everyone reading this and I say "let's fucking get them!" As long as they can hide in their IRC rooms, message boards, and websites they can shield themselves from perspective. That's where every single one of us has to come in, actively pursuing an aggressive and unwavering dialogue with each of these groups that we encounter. Don't turn your eyes from their websites, spam their guestbook with a thousand repetitions of "HORRRRRRRRRRSECOCK" displayed in 72 point red letters. Invade their message boards and tell them how detestable they are. Upload insulting illustrations to their art sites. They will draw in on themselves and ossify, while any who might be lured in to their clutches will see the horde clamoring at the gates and turn away.

This is the sort of activity we have always advocated here at Something Awful; the sort of juvenile behavior that I am honestly proud to support. I hope this piece has given you some insight as to why I think it's more than just an amusing diversion. "

Of theese guys are ALL nothing but mere sockpuppets of me. No one hates furry exept for Hirtes (if you beleive the AFF twaddle).

Oh well. At least I have a pretty good clone army. :twisted:

Sulaco · Rasophore Joined: 28 Oct 2003 Posts: 61

*stands tall in a silent salute with a big red goatse flag flying in the background, a single tear shining on his cheek*

Dogthing · Coadjutor Joined: 26 Oct 2003 Posts: 207

*stands tall in a silent salute with a big red goatse flag flying in the background, a single tear shining on his cheek*

That fucking bitch took down goatse. That.... just... HURTS so much! :cry:

Wayd Wolf · Coadjutor Joined: 06 Oct 2003 Posts: 456

*stands tall in a silent salute with a big red goatse flag flying in the background, a single tear shining on his cheek*

That fucking bitch took down goatse. That.... just... HURTS so much! :cry:

I'm sure the pictures are still floating around. The ASCII art was my favorite.

UPDATE: Yup, browse this at your own risk. One of the few things as awful as watching fucking in fursuits.

mouse · Coadjutor Joined: 13 Jul 2003 Posts: 662

That's where every single one of us has to come in, actively pursuing an aggressive and unwavering dialogue with each of these groups that we encounter. Don't turn your eyes from their websites, spam their guestbook with a thousand repetitions of "HORRRRRRRRRRSECOCK" displayed in 72 point red letters. Invade their message boards and tell them how detestable they are. Upload insulting illustrations to their art sites. They will draw in on themselves and ossify, while any who might be lured in to their clutches will see the horde clamoring at the gates and turn away.

That sounds a lot like work, and I dont work if I dont get paid

Computolio · Coadjutor Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 349

That's where every single one of us has to come in, actively pursuing an aggressive and unwavering dialogue with each of these groups that we encounter. Don't turn your eyes from their websites, spam their guestbook with a thousand repetitions of "HORRRRRRRRRRSECOCK" displayed in 72 point red letters. Invade their message boards and tell them how detestable they are. Upload insulting illustrations to their art sites. They will draw in on themselves and ossify, while any who might be lured in to their clutches will see the horde clamoring at the gates and turn away.

That sounds a lot like work, and I dont work if I dont get paid

you get paid in lol

mouse · Coadjutor Joined: 13 Jul 2003 Posts: 662

you get paid in lol

ah, well Im all dead on the inside, so thats probably why

Michael Hirtes · Coadjutor Joined: 04 Aug 2003 Posts: 519

*stands tall in a silent salute with a big red goatse flag flying in the background, a single tear shining on his cheek*

That fucking bitch took down goatse. That.... just... HURTS so much! :cry:

I'm sure the pictures are still floating around. The ASCII art was my favorite.

UPDATE: Yup, browse this at your own risk. One of the few things as awful as watching fucking in fursuits.

I'm surprised no furries have tried to create a FM character named "GOATse" yet.

Charisma · Coadjutor Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Posts: 158

UPDATE: Yup, browse this at your own risk. One of the few things as awful as watching fucking in fursuits.

I can't believe I clicked on that! I didn't know that's what it was and it made my eyes water I found it so gross! I had no idea that was possible!!
*faints*

Ethan A. Stanger · Rasophore Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 53

I can't believe I clicked on that! I didn't know that's what it was and it made my eyes water I found it so gross! I had no idea that was possible!!
*faints*

That's one talented man.

Charisma · Coadjutor Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Posts: 158

i bet it hurts when he sits down

Anonymous · Coadjutor Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 767

i bet it hurts when he sits down

It would, except he's DEAD.

Anonymous · Coadjutor Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 767

I am so jaded after having run into goatse.cx so many times that I probably shouldn't feel anything looking at that page, but still can't help but be mildly stunned and strangely impressed.

I'd be curious to know the backstory of goatse.cx--the rags-to-riches tale of one humble man who could stretch his anus to extreme proportions and how he became one of the true icons of internet culture.

Tailgunner · Coadjutor Joined: 28 Oct 2003 Posts: 161

I'll say there is a backstory to that man's life! Ouch!

If someone wanted to kick his a$$, they would need both feet!

Anonymous · Coadjutor Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 767

Those pictures were....disturbing. You know, I happen to like the 'normal' furres, the ones who make scribbles of people with cat faces every so often in sketchbooks or paper, they're not the one's hopping into fursuits and humping eachother in public.
Reminds me of a funny story about a guy dressed as a racoon on the way back from a furcon. He was knelt on the side of the road getting sick from something he had ate when a passing farmer shot him thinking it was a real animal.

mouse · Coadjutor Joined: 13 Jul 2003 Posts: 662

Reminds me of a funny story about a guy dressed as a racoon on the way back from a furcon. He was knelt on the side of the road getting sick from something he had ate when a passing farmer shot him thinking it was a real animal.

Isnt that 'story' just the plot from that CSI episode? Are you confusing reality and television again?

Anonymous · Coadjutor Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 767

Reminds me of a funny story about a guy dressed as a racoon on the way back from a furcon. He was knelt on the side of the road getting sick from something he had ate when a passing farmer shot him thinking it was a real animal.

Isnt that 'story' just the plot from that CSI episode? Are you confusing reality and television again?

Hmm no, are you confusing your head with your ass again? I think so, it's very hard to understand you considering you've been feasting upon your own shit half the day.

Michael Hirtes · Coadjutor Joined: 04 Aug 2003 Posts: 519

Reminds me of a funny story about a guy dressed as a racoon on the way back from a furcon. He was knelt on the side of the road getting sick from something he had ate when a passing farmer shot him thinking it was a real animal.

Isnt that 'story' just the plot from that CSI episode? Are you confusing reality and television again?

Hmm no, are you confusing your head with your ass again? I think so, it's very hard to understand you considering you've been feasting upon your own shit half the day.

Hey Mitch. Is it too late to place bets on which poster is gonna get his IP identified and banned from posting onto CYD ever again?

No!

DAMN!

Tailgunner · Coadjutor Joined: 28 Oct 2003 Posts: 161

Hey! I know it's easy to confuse mouse's head from his ass, trust me, I know. My boot mark gives away which is which.

BTW, NO ONE, but no one tells mouse to eat shit except me! Got that?