Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

GoManVanGogh · Coadjutor Joined: 18 Nov 2003 Posts: 140

10. "What's that lovely fragrance?"

9. "I can't wear THAT, I'd look REDICULOUS!"

8. "Pardon me, may I ask your PERMISSION to skritch/hug/lick you?"

7. "No adult section? That's cool."

6. "On second thought, that'd just be TOO weird."

5. "Aw, I can't hold a grudge."

4. "Not HERE, there's KIDS around!"

3. "Do you think we may be over-reacting?"

2. "I'm a human, why?"

And the number 1 phrase you will never hear at a furry con...

"But that's just my opinion."

ZenZhu · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 475

How about, "I don't care how much you're willing to pay me... I am not drawing that kind of weird crap in your sketchbook!

Johnny S. · Recusant Joined: 21 Apr 2004 Posts: 5

10. Cartoons? Aw, they’re just for kids.

9. Mom’s basement? Haven’t seen it in years.

8. Have you lost weight?

7. Sabrina Online? Never heard of her.

6. Hey, a fursuit! Which sports team are you a mascot for?

5. This hotel is cool, they invited us back for this year’s furry conference.

4. Your sketch for me is nice, but can you add more clothes?

3. Have you met my girlfriend?

2. No, I haven’t been barred from the city zoo.

And the number one thing you’ll never hear at a Furry Con:

1. CrushYiffDestroy.com? Oh they’re great, they keep us from taking ourselves too seriously!

CrazyBomber · Apocrisiary Joined: 15 Sep 2003 Posts: 41

Also, you will never hear: "Police. You are under arrest. Please come with me without resistence"

Zeis Montero · Apocrisiary Joined: 16 Mar 2004 Posts: 49

She said she was 18, I swear!

ZenZhu · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 475

"Hey, where's the SomethingAwful.com table? I thought they were going to have one on the con floor this year. I was hoping to get a t-shirt with one of those grenade logos."

"Thundercats? Uh... hmm.... I vaguely recall that show. I didn't care for it too much."

"Lion King? PUH-LEEZ. If I want to watch a terrible rehash of Hamlet, I'll watch Mel Gibson's version."

"Okay.. people... people... listen up. We're going to have some folks from a British tabloid program showing up around 2:00 to do a shot for one of their shows. You all know what this means... be cool. Remember, we're not freaks, fetishists, or misplaced spirits. If the camera is pointed at you and your lips are moving, we are a simple group of people that like funny animal comics and cartoons. Right? If you can't answer their questions without divulging your life story, signal one of the staffers in the red shirts. They'll come answer the questions for you."

"Yeah, I finally saw Disney's Robin Hood. I don't see what the big deal is. It's poorly drawn. I've seen Golden Books with deeper plots. And that whole thing with Marion being a bug-eyed fox... that's just too trippy to for me to enjoy. The thing is like one bad acid trip."

"I tell ya, I have to beat the women off with a stick when I'm at the clubs."

"Yeah, I'm up to 3 sets of 10 reps of 250. Then I move on to some butterfly curls."

"I showered this morning before I put the fursuit on, but it's been about 6 hours. Lemme go freshen up and shave and I'll meet you at the salad bar."

"I liked the hat, just not on me. I looked like a complete goober. So, I opted not to buy it. I don't really care for fedoras, anyway."

"You want it to go about halfway down the heel, with a good break at the front. Oh, and no pleats."

"Yeah, I was kind of pissed when I found out he had posted the picture I did of a hermaphroditic Minerva Mink... but, hey, it's not like I was respecting WB's copyrights when I sold prints of it. Why should I expect him to respect mine? What's good for the goose is good for the gander, eh?"

"What do you mean that's a dumb character name on my con badge? That's my real name, dumbass."

"Holy crap.. he has really let himself go. Ever heard of a salad? Sheesh!"

"Yeah, my t-shirt with the wraparound wolf print is fun and comfy, but I figured I'd go with a shirt and tie. I'm trying to present a more professional image for selling my artwork."

"They liked most of my stuff, but it was the picture of Simba dry-humping Beast's pant leg that really convinced Disney to hire me."

"What the FUCK!?!?!? I asked you to draw me a picture of Chester Ringtail. I didn't say anything about anal beads or spooge. Thanks for wasting a perfectly good sheet of sketchbook paper, dickwad."

"Yeah, I got the Mercedes as a gift to myself for landing that promotion."

"... and a small diet soda."

"When I said I was thinking of a restaurant with some eye-candy, I meant Hooters, not Chuck E Cheese's."

IceCat · Coadjutor Joined: 31 Oct 2003 Posts: 81

Furry?, oh that. It's just a hobby of mine.

Later

IceCat

ZenZhu · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 475

"Oh, c'mon guys.. not The Lion King on Broadway AGAIN. Look.. let's go see.. I dunno.. hey, how about Rent!?"

Rankin · Coadjutor Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Posts: 488

"Oh, yes, not only have I rented my own room, in the off chance i manage to find someone here I am compatible with, but I brought my own soup, and an extra razor, just in case if my blade dulls."

"This, this is not at all what I was expecting. Want to go out and see what this City/State has to offer us?"

"What? Why'd I want to drive/fly so far to sit in front of a computer? I want to meet people, you know, network with other professionals!"

"What? Buttsex? I don't think so, after all, the rectum is not a very clean place."

Paul · Coadjutor Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 138

"If I've bought any furry porn? Don't be silly, the very concept is ridiculous."

creature · Coadjutor Joined: 06 Nov 2003 Posts: 132

She said she was 18, I swear!

Don't you mean "He said he was 18, I swear!"?

Computolio · Coadjutor Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 349

• SIR, THAT SHIT IS MIGHTILY UNAROUSING EVEN BY FURRY PORN STANDARDS AND WOULD YOU MIND NOT DESCRIBING IT AS "EROTICA"? ONLY DEEPLY PRETENTIOUS TWATS DO THAT

EDIT: EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS DICKSLAPS TO THE FACE FOR CALLING IT "FURROTICA"

• IF YOU SAY THAT FUCKING Y-WORD ONE MORE TIME I MAY BE FORCED TO STAB YOUR EYE OUT WITH THAT DOLPHIN DILDO FROM THE ZETACREATIONS TABLE OVER THERE (WHICH BY THE WAY HAHAHAHA)

• OH MY GOD, THEY'RE NOT EVEN HUMAN

M0us3_Zero · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 209

Oh man, this is good stuff. It's unfortunate I'm the resident Newb here. I got no material. :(

creature · Coadjutor Joined: 06 Nov 2003 Posts: 132

Oh man, this is good stuff. It's unfortunate I'm the resident Newb here. I got no material. :(

Don't worry about it. You hang around long enough you'll understand everything and need lots of professional help.

DA · Coadjutor Joined: 06 Jun 2003 Posts: 320

Well I guess I'm defintely not a furry then because I'd say most of those things, they'd probably chuck me out in horror :P

ZenZhu · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 475

"Tell you what, why don't you guys come up to my room later. I decided to splurge and rented out the penthouse suite."

"I'll be honest, the critters are cute and all, but I mostly came here to fuck."

"Oh, look George. The hotel is having some kind of cartoon show. Little Ricky, why don't you go see if they'll let you in and go play." <shudder>

"Hey, guys... didn't you notice the pool rules said to shower before entering?"

"Oh, no, I don't deem it as a lifestyle or anything pretentious like that. I'm just fucked in the head."

"You guys go ahead in the elevator. I'm gonna take the stairs. I could use the exercise."

"Y'know.. since he let us have the elevator to ourselves......."
"Not no, but HELL no."

"I appreciate your interest, but I'm saving myself for marriage."

"Mate... schmate... I'm just fucking him until something better comes along. Oh, sure, wolves mate for life... but I'm not a wolf, now am I?"

"I just do the artwork for fun on occasions. I'm really a partner in a top law firm."

"Like the hotel? Hell, I own it! I let you guys have your con here so I didn't have to commute from work to attend."

"Hopefully you and your conventioneers enjoyed your stay. Please don't hesitate to consider us again next year. You're welcome any time."

"Here, have this complimentary copy of my portfolios on CD ROM."

"Sure, the money in furry art is great, but I'm mostly here for the babes."

"Did you guys ever consider the post-its wouldn't be needed if you didn't draw that shit in the first place?"

"Drawing hermaphroditic skunktaurs has left my life so empty and meaningless. I'm going to devote myself to Jesus."

"Peter Jackson... didn't he do some films recently.. I mean, besides Meet the Feebles?"

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm a human spirit in a human body."

"This year's guest of honor - Sibe!"

"Did you hear? Terrie Smith is going to update her style!"

Pycnopodia · Coadjutor Joined: 31 Dec 2003 Posts: 72

Number 1:
"It said it was over 18!"
:D

Or, "I thought it was human!"

ZenZhu · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 475

"He didn't act underage, yer honor."

"I know he's 16, but emotionally, he's much, much more mature, your honor."

"It tried to hump my leg, your honor. That's clearly consent."

Sean · Recusant Joined: 05 Nov 2003 Posts: 16

- "Attention, everyone in the Registration lineup... In lieu of laminated name tags, program books, and souvenir T-shirts, the concom this year has decided instead to hand out these complimentary gift baskets of soap, deodorant, talcum powder, toothbrushes, Colgate Total, dental floss, and Listerine. Remember, a Fresh Con is a Happy Con!"

- "I've never seen so many hot chicks in one place in my entire life!"

- "...Okay, so, do I have any bids on 'HermaVore DiaperVixen TentaOrgy'?... Anybody?... Anyone at all?... All righty then...that's yet another one for the grease dumpster behind the hotel restaurant. Now, for our next item, I have in my hand a Bic lighter, and the winner of gets to use it to ignite the aforementioned pile - I hear 50! 100! 500!! 3000!! HOLD IT, HOLD IT...ONE BID AT A TIME, PLEASE!!"

ZenZhu · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 475

"The aerobics class is just past the dealer's den."

Anonymous · Coadjutor Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 767

"What is your opinion of the "Duchess of malfi" and Elizabethan drama in general?"

"That I have "yiffed" with you online does not put any obligation upon me or you to perform sexual activates offline"

ZenZhu · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 475

<looks person over> "I'm yiffy, but I'm not THAT yiffy."

"I do have standards, you know."

Tailgunner · Coadjutor Joined: 28 Oct 2003 Posts: 161

"Why yes, I do have children."

"She's hot"

"I put my drawing skills to work. I just draw these animals as a hobby."

"Am I the one that's screwed up?"

"Yeah, we are going to the same hotel next year."

"I just took a shower."

"Sorry man, but I have to work in the morning."

The_Censorship_Nazi · Rasophore Joined: 07 May 2004 Posts: 59

*While all of the shenanigans are going on, you see a somewhat odd-looking skunk fellow - yes, a furry - walk past. Looking through the phrases, he thinks for a little, then looks to everyone with a look of surprise.*

How odd...I looked through these and realized I'm actually likely to say at least SOME of them! So much for never being heard at a furry con...*ahem*

Anyway, I've joined CYD in an effort to represent...well, myself. I think I'm a bit of an atypical "furry fan," in that I actually talk more coherently than some furries I've met online...and for some reason people have commented that I look cute in real life. To paraphrase an AOLer, "WTF is up wit dat???!1!1!!" Plus, I can freely admit that I still live with my parents (though I don't live in a basement - I live on the second floor instead), and that my mother knows quite a bit about furrydom and DOESN'T MIND ME BEING A FURRY. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is.

My name is GlenSkunk - very uninspired name, I know, so just call me Glen. Or my nickname up there...heh, let me explain it.

You see, I figured that all of you would much rather deal with someone of a more human persuasion. To that end, I'll be on here as a human (or humanoid anyway) character I've developed...

*The skunk goes behind a curtain, and suddenly several explosions occur, followed by a random stream of cuss words and several references to Terry Pratchet. Suddenly, from the midst stands...*

BWAHAHAHA! I'm der Censorship Nazi! Bow down to der master race, untermenschen! *The man in Nazi clothes - complete with gas mask and helmet - suddenly slaps himself.* Ack, sorry...got a little bit carried away with my portrayal there. Anyway, the nick I've chosen is "The Censorship Nazi," a blatant parody of excessive censorship. My intention for this character is to make someone that everyone can make fun of with impunity. Hell, you could make fun of my RL self and I wouldn't care - mainly because I make fun of myself on a regular basis. Makes things rather tidy wouldn't you agree?

Anyway, as for things you'll never hear at a furry con...

"No, it's alright, you don't need to pay me. I draw for free."

"You like GUYS? Oh GROSS!"

"Actually, I think Shawn Keller is entirely misunderstood."

"Oh, my real name? George W. Bush..." (Okay, I'm REEEEALLY stretching it here.)

"Yessir, I have the only fursuit here dressed like a Confederate! Complete with authentic slave whuppin' rifle!"

"Hey, you know those guys from CYD? They're funny as hell! I was thinking about applying to join their staff!"

"Yes, now that you mention it, I think EWS IS TDK...not a very good name choice. Who the hell names their alternate identity after a VIDEO TAPE maker?!"

(That's all I'm gonna DARE put up here for my first post. If I put up any more I'll wind up with an artillery shell up the ass...)

M0us3_Zero · Coadjutor Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 209

*applause*

That... Was the funniest post I've seen here in a while. Welcome aboard! Keep briningin' the funny.

The_Censorship_Nazi · Rasophore Joined: 07 May 2004 Posts: 59

*The man in the Nazi clothing, not entirely sure what to make of the applause, just shrugs and bows.*

Thank yew, thank yew. *snicker*

Just thought of another one...

"Hey, you Steve Martin? Just wanted to say...you SERIOUSLY suck ass."

Personally, I think Martin is a bit obnoxious, yes. A couple of furry cons ago, he actually pointed me out as "jailbait." A bit later he apologized for it, although at the time he and I were in the presence of my mother. (Yes, my mother took me to a furry con - she knows a fair bit about it.) I was 16 at the time, anyway...after the little apology we talked about how California's laws were rather weird.

Anyway, here I also wanted to give a shout-out to Jerry Collins and Shawn Keller - keep up the silly work! Collins does a lot of stuff that reminds me of what political cartoonists do - they poke a lot of fun at their subjects. The difference here is that Collins has the odd ability to make it seem rather personal...still, I suppose it is rather hard to distance yourself from them when the furry community is so small. And to Shawn Keller - I love your artwork! I'm a regular visitor to "Furryfans.com" and have laughed quite a bit at "The Incredulous Mr. Stinks." You have a fine sense of humor I'd say - your time at Disney was obviously very productive. Your material may be offensive to some, but coupled with the fact that you're supposedly a mild furry fan yourself, it just makes it all seem like political commentary or satire. *snicker* My apologies if anything I've said in the preceding paragraph is incorrect - it's hard to get reliable information sometimes.

Oh, one more silly one...

"Holy shit! Look at all those people wanting Shawn Keller's autograph!"