Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

ZenZhu · Needs to get out more Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 897

Thanks to the Universal Translator, we can now step outside of ourselves and see how we appear to furries.

Gaze into their tainted mirror on reality.

Also.. just to exercise the old What If machine.....

What if Naylor was a skinhead?

Or a smurf?

What if Gonterman was a pimp?

What if the Ranting Grypon was a redneck?

Stepping away from the translator, Gryphon's site is home to some of the most hilariously inane rants I've ever seen. There is a post on yiffing that is actually very funny.. especially to anyone who, in their typefucking, has encountered players that obviously want you to type it all while they bang the drum slowly. There's also some drivel pissing and moaning about how fantasy creatures are the Uncle Toms of furrydom. There was also this rant that produced this amazing quote:

But you know what the best thing about going to a furcon is? I get to feel
like I have these big, 100 lbs gryphon balls of death! I get to wander
around in a hotel with more furs than there are people in Bob Dole's
shitty little hometown, and that rocks! So what am I doing here? I'm
walking around the halls, planning my Furry Army Of Doom to take over the
world, that's what I'm doing. Oh yeah, I'm thinking about how I can get a
thousand furs armed with neon pink bitchslap waterballoons and march into
the Congress and demand furry holidays or we'll fuck up their richie-ass
Armani suits! And I can do it, right? I can put together a proud, brave
army that can take over Disneyland and bitchslap that stupid mouse until
he screams like a gay stud during springtime, right? Right?

Talk about your delusions of grandeur. If the idea of a furry holiday wasn't dumb enough, someone actually thinks that a miniscule collection of geeks is going to do anything to change the world? Maybe my sarcasm detector is busted.

Kadius · Vociferator Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 370

What if Gonterman was a pimp?

You have won the internet. Other than that, I'm speechless.

Anonymous · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 766

What if Gonterman was a pimp?

Gonterman was always a pimp, tr00 'dat.

mouse · Needs to get out more Joined: 13 Jul 2003 Posts: 817

My legal name be David Gonterman, a BA graduate from SIUE who gots phat 'n stoned one day ova what I'm allowed to do wid ma life 'n decided dat that shit would be a phat idea to showcase ma talents on da internet wid da hopes dat I'd get noticed by someone who would want me to do what Ah like fo a living, know what I'm sayin'?

yea yea, I know what your sayin G ...
I just dont know what the fuck you were thinking.

( :lol: )

almost equally surreal: heres Pimp Xydexx !

More Coredumpy Goodness
Ah haven't mentioned ova da past few days dat da mornings 'n evenings has gotten significantly cooler, man. So fo da record, dat shit looks like autumn be here, man. Ah managed to drag myself away from Sim City 4: Rush Hour last night, 'n pranced about on DDR fo an hour afta watchin' a real-life horror movie wid rigelkitty, man. And yo' ass know what Ah think? Ah think da silly fake mustache meme reminds me of veginostrum or fightin' fire wid marshmallows while ridin' around in a jet-propelled shoppin' cart while huntin' giant Eurasian deer, that's what Ah think.

Now dat I've gotten da obligatory silliness out of da way, on to da serious stuff:

Arbitrary Plaid · Recusant Joined: 16 Sep 2004 Posts: 8

Nah, the translation rules on that site are way too complicated for such black and white interpretations.

Looking at the gryphon links:

we DO get online and type-fuck back and forth, and.. it might be a sad thing, I dunno, but at least we're not out harpooning dolphins or gangraping social workers, you know, so...yay for yiffing!

... Hey, it's the least you can do! Thanks buddy!
Though, he probably is harpooning dolphins. At least good ol' StarKist Charlie hasn't sunk to his depths.

StarKist FAQ:
StarKist will not purchase any tuna caught in association with dolphins.

The New Meat · Vociferator Joined: 03 Jun 2003 Posts: 466

But you know what the best thing about going to a furcon is? I get to feel
like I have these big, 100 lbs gryphon balls of death! I get to wander
around in a hotel with more furs than there are people in Bob Dole's
shitty little hometown, and that rocks! So what am I doing here? I'm
walking around the halls, planning my Furry Army Of Doom to take over the
world, that's what I'm doing. Oh yeah, I'm thinking about how I can get a
thousand furs armed with neon pink bitchslap waterballoons and march into
the Congress and demand furry holidays or we'll fuck up their richie-ass
Armani suits! And I can do it, right? I can put together a proud, brave
army that can take over Disneyland and bitchslap that stupid mouse until
he screams like a gay stud during springtime, right? Right?

The lack of funny in this rant is just painful.

Rankin · Needs to get out more Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Posts: 891

The lack of funny in this rant is just painful.

If you haven't noticed... it's 2.

ZenZhu · Needs to get out more Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 897

I'm just mystified that anyone could look at the people attending a furry con and get any kind of sense of grandeur other than the awesome power to seriously deplete the food reserves at a Taco Bell and create a scarcity of Mt. Dew for a one square mile area.

Of course, this is the same person that seems to submit to the theory that anyone in an Armani suit can be stopped dead in their tracks by the threat of getting said suit damp. Sounds like he's been watching too many 80s movies involving a loser fraternity facing off against the rich snob fraternity.

Not to mention it'd be seriously comical to see an army of fat, beardy middle aged geeks storm Washington with pink water balloons and be confronted by armed secret service agents.

"Furries demand equal protection under the law! FREEEEDOOM!"

BLAM!

"Agent Skippy, what the hell are you doing?"

"That panda was about to attack, sir!"

"Agent Skippy, that's a man in a panda costume."

"......................"

"Don't worry about it, Agent Skippy. We'll make it like he never existed. It shouldn't be too hard, since our intelligence suggests he never left his parents' basement. Hell of a first day, eh? C'mon, I'll buy you a grape Nehi."

Anonymous · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 766

Get this man to a writing studio, NOW FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Skunkfuckers Inc. · Venter Joined: 20 Jan 2004 Posts: 254

ZenZhu, have I ever told you how much you should get a reward for your awesome posting? Nice, long and meaty, chock full of relevant viewpoints and information, and just plain fun to read. A little hard to read through all of them, not so much because of length but since you post them so often (I'm thinking you're either a fast typer or a jobless loser) and I don't really have the time anymore to really keep up with the forums, but I always try not to skip through your posts.

ZenZhu · Needs to get out more Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 897

Heh, thanks. I think mostly it's that I'm a fast typer. I post a little more than I probably should during the working hours from time to time, but it's mostly typing speed. I never really realized I enjoy writing, too... sharing theories and opinions. I'd probably enjoy being a travel reviewer or movie reviewer or something.

In fact, in adding to my skills to better bait the hook for getting a job in technical writing, I want to do some web page work so I can say I'm at least familiar with it. I did have a page long ago, but it was just put together using Netscape Communicator. Anyway, I'm thinking of making a page based on a pseudonym of Jack Average... brother of Joe Average, but not quite so average. I'm planning out having stuff like Jack Average's Guide to Games. The idea behind a "Jack Average" review would be that I'm not a hardcore gamer, but more of one than your average Joe (see...see??). I'd try and gear reviews for folks similar to myself... that don't moon over the frame rate of every game coming out.. but play things a bit more involved than the suite of EA Sports games your casual gamers seem to stick to. It's not like I'm aspiring to do reviews for IGN or something. It's mostly a way to provide focus for exercising web design.

I think the fast typing comes from my chat days. Maybe that's what we need to teach kids to be competent typists.... a room full of high school students textfucking.

Rankin · Needs to get out more Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Posts: 891

I think the fast typing comes from my chat days. Maybe that's what we need to teach kids to be competent typists.... a room full of high school students textfucking.

wut r u wearin?

wanna yiff?

dont trip u luv hur?

can you feel me *unh* now?

ZenZhu · Needs to get out more Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 897

Well, we can rig the keyboards to deliver an electric shock any time l33tspeak or net shorthand like "ur" is typed.

Gargoyle · Coadjutor Joined: 04 Sep 2004 Posts: 91

Well, killing a panda is punishable with death in Communist China.

Anonymous · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 766

In communist China, capital spends YOU!...... I suck