Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

Paul · Vociferator Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 551

Little link of horrors, courtesy of someone at the PvP forum (I think it's also up on SomethingAwful by now): Molatar's Castle. No need for me to try and paraphrase this black gem of a site, here's some choice quotes by the site owner, one Molatar Seth Pyrargent:

This site is dedicated to spreading the Gospel in the werewolf and furry communities. It is my hope that many trans-species people will accept Jesus as their Savior through this ministry.

Fair enough.

Dear visitor, if you are trans-species, I can sympathize with you. I too know the shame and anger about being trapped in a powerless and ugly human body.

Molatar sounds a bit like EbonLupus here, doesn't he? Oh well, in concordance with this, he has some info on shifters and furries:

A shifter, or psychological lycanthrope, is a person who believes he or she is or should be some creature other than human. This creature could be an animal, an anthropomorphic (human-like) animal, or a dragon or other fantasy creature (in which case the person is 'otherkin'). Belief that one is a vampire or other undead creature doesn't count.

A P-shift is a real and complete biological change into one's desired animal type. It is the Holy Grail of shifters. Almost every shifter wants one but almost nobody knows how to achieve one. Some exceptional shifters, in an effort to change, may have a partial P-shift through plastic surgery, or they may don a fursuit.

A fursuit is a costume worn by the shifter to help him pretend he is his nonhuman persona. Some fursuits are carefully crafted to replicate a bestial appearance, but others are silly. Some shifters simply wear a mask or a false tail. Most people who wear fursuits do so as part of a role-playing fantasy, not because they are true werewolves, although some rare shifters would do so.

Um, OK.

Being a Christian, Molatar has a section on "How to Become a Christian". But, being also a dragon (no kidding), he also has a section on "How To Get That Elusive P-Shift":

The method described below, if successful, will result in a PERMANENT change in one's appearance.

Make sure you have read everything before using this method. If you change into a wolf and THEN discover that you feel more like a tiger... you'd better get used to eating Alpo.

If you are not a Christian, I recommend that you become one first before giving this a try because the most of the Scriptures this method is based on apply only to Christians. So if you aren't a Christian yet, please click on the Salvation link on the left.

Cool, on to the shape-shifting method! Molatar has written a prayer that you must use:

Referring to Matthew 7:7-8 and John 16:24, you won't get a thing until you ask for it. Let us then ask God for a shape-shift with confidence. Let's put these eleven verses together to make an official request to God for that shape-shift:

Eternal Father, You know what grave matter is resting on my heart. I detest being human because I feel powerless and ugly. Please forgive me for resenting the body you created for me. I need a change.

You have solved many of my problems before. I ask you to solve this one. I ask you to change me into a (name the creature) in Jesus' name because I see no other way out. I am desperate, Lord.

I delight myself in You, God, and you will give me the desire of my heart.

Oh, how I desire to be a (name the creature). I trust in You, God, and You will bring my shape-shift to pass.

I thank you Father for the suffering of my poor Lord Jesus on the cross, for it is by His death that I am free of sin, and it is by His resurrection that I can petition you with confidence.

You, Lord Jesus, have the power to do this for me. I trust in Your name. I trust in your Power. I believe that you can change me into a (name the creature). I believe that You want to change me into a (name the creature). I can change my shape through the strength that You give me.

I ask You, Father, in Jesus' name, to change me into a (name the creature). I accept it now. I believe that my body is being changed now. Fullness of joy is mine because You have changed me.

I thank you Father for caring so much about me that You would do anything for Me if I asked it by faith through the name of your Son Jesus. I thank you Jesus for taking away my sins and diseases and advocating for me with the Father. I thank you Holy Spirit for guiding me into salvation, showing me how to pray, and teaching me how to be holy.

May my new body glorify You, Father, and lead other human beings into salvation. Amen.

The power of Christ compels you to become a wolf!

Molatar also has some practical advice, in case the P-shift actually works:

You will need money for tailored clothes, alterations to your vehicle (because humans designed the seats for tailless bottoms), a good veterinarian (this is not a joke, I'm serious, GOOD vets cost ALOT), a lawyer to protect you from humans who hate the sight of you, new ID cards (driver's license, health cards, that sort of thing), change of name documentation, and other mundane but necessary things like dog toothpaste (because human toothpaste has detergents that cause animals to froth at the mouth), pin brushes, pet nail clippers, medieval swords, that kind of thing.

Another thing concern is this mythical army that wants to capture and dissect P-shifters for weapons experimentation (insert raucous sarcastic laughter here). But just in case its true, you'd be best to save up extra funds for a defensible hideout in the wilderness (rocky hills and swamps are best, don't get waterfront because its too expensive), a year's supply of canned goods, and plenty of ammo. If you get a nice rugged piece of land, call me and I can suggest some fortifications to build.

Um, right. And finally this request:

f it works for you, please let me know, and send me a picture so I can show some proof to these phonies who tell me P-shifting is impossible.

Should the ignorant comments of disbelievers limit you to a life of drudgery as a human being? Will you allow their scorn to trap you in their grim colorless reality?

Damn those unbelievers.

Oh well, he also says he suffers from schizotypal personality disorder. That might explain something, I dunno. Anyway, the site's a veritable cornucopia of WTF, so do explore it (at the risk of having your brain explode). And then tell me - is Molatar Seth Pyrargent's site a very elaborate internet prank or is he possibly the most insane furry ever?

MagKnightX · Vociferator Joined: 04 Dec 2003 Posts: 312

Schizotypal disorder, if I'm not mistaken, is basically schizophrenia lite, which would explain his... unique... point of view.

(see here)

Furthermore, as an ordained minister, let me say that furries are an AFFRONT TO GOD.

Cursed is the man who has sexual relations with any animal.

weird_guy_in_the_corner · Venter Joined: 14 Oct 2004 Posts: 258

PRAISE JESUS!

mouse · Needs to get out more Joined: 13 Jul 2003 Posts: 1030

You will need money for tailored clothes, alterations to your vehicle (because humans designed the seats for tailless bottoms), a good veterinarian (this is not a joke, I'm serious, GOOD vets cost ALOT), a lawyer to protect you from humans who hate the sight of you, new ID cards (driver's license, health cards, that sort of thing), change of name documentation, and other mundane but necessary things like dog toothpaste (because human toothpaste has detergents that cause animals to froth at the mouth), pin brushes, pet nail clippers, medieval swords, that kind of thing.

...ok.

As stupid as it all is, you could reasonably say this is all good advice to consider should, in the off chance, you spontaneously morph into some sort of human-animal hybrid.... (except the veterinarian thing - thats just dumb :D )

but still, the last one throws me ..

Medieval swords?
For what?! defence? Why couldnt a wolf-man capable of weilding a sword use an assault rifle ?

And then tell me - is Molatar Seth Pyrargent's site a very elaborate internet prank or is he possibly the most insane furry ever?

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE !!!!

Shmeckopolis · Vociferator Joined: 31 Mar 2004 Posts: 314

That is the funniest thing ever.

Kadius · Vociferator Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 637

dear jesus, make me into a wolf now, okay.

Jamboody · Qualificator Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 10

I would rather be a Deep One.

CTHULHU FHTAGN!!!!! CTHULHU FHTAGN!!!!! CTHULHU FHTAGN!!!!!

Gargoyle · Vociferator Joined: 04 Sep 2004 Posts: 387

...ok.

As stupid as it all is, you could reasonably say this is all good advice to consider should, in the off chance, you spontaneously morph into some sort of human-animal hybrid.... (except the veterinarian thing - thats just dumb :D )

but still, the last one throws me ..

Medieval swords?
For what?! defence? Why couldnt a wolf-man capable of weilding a sword use an assault rifle ?

Thought of the same thing, but... what if your Werewolf: the Apocalypse character happens to has a low Firearms skill or something? Hm?

A-ha!

thegunman · Rasophore Joined: 07 Oct 2003 Posts: 54

Medieval swords?
For what?! defence? Why couldnt a wolf-man capable of weilding a sword use an assault rifle ?

because that would be the smart thing to do, as for shifter priest dude i have no comment really other than it sounds rather strange and outlandish, but i've heard of weirder shit before.

The New Meat · Vociferator Joined: 03 Jun 2003 Posts: 660

Furthermore, as an ordained minister, let me say that furries are an AFFRONT TO GOD.

Cursed is the man who has sexual relations with any animal.

Also:

God hath endued man and everie thing with his proper nature, substance, forme, qualities, and gifts; and directeth their waies. As for the waies of an asse, he taketh no such care: howbeit, they have also their properties and substance severall to themselves. For there is one flesh (saith Paule) of men, another of beasts, another of fishes, another of birds. And therefore it is absolutelie against the ordinance of God (who hath made me a man) that I should flie like a bird, or swim like a fish, or creepe like a worm, or become as ass in shape: insomuch as if God would give me leave, I cannot doo it; for it were contrarie to his owne order and decree, and to the constitution of anie bodie which he hath made."

-- "The Discoverie of Witchcraft," by Reginald Scot, Booke V, Chapter V, That the bodie of a man cannot be turned into the bodie of a beast by a witch, is prooved by strong reasons, scriptures, and authorities (1584)

Not conclusive Biblical authority, I know, but still.

ZenZhu · TOP POSTER! Joined: 22 Mar 2004 Posts: 1510

Dear visitor, if you are trans-species, I can sympathize with you. I too know the shame and anger about being trapped in a powerless and ugly human body.

Ever notice how the perception of the person's body is always "powerless" and "ugly?" If that doesn't just shout out that the whole were delusion is part of body image problems for some folks, I don't know what does. It's like mental anorexia for fantasy geeks. I guess convincing yourself you're forever doomed with an ugly, powerless body, instead of learning to groom, diet and exercise, is just the easier way to go.

A shifter, or psychological lycanthrope, is a person who believes he or she is or should be some creature other than human. This creature could be an animal, an anthropomorphic (human-like) animal, or a dragon or other fantasy creature (in which case the person is 'otherkin'). Belief that one is a vampire or other undead creature doesn't count.

Because, as we all know, that vampires aren't real... unlike werewolves and dragons. What kind of hypocritical fucktard does that make someone to say "Here's how to become a real werewolf..... but vampires don't count! My fantasy, my rules! Vampires aren't fluffy and cuddly, so they're not real!"

If you are not a Christian, I recommend that you become one first before giving this a try because the most of the Scriptures this method is based on apply only to Christians. So if you aren't a Christian yet, please click on the Salvation link on the left.

See... amidst all of the denouncing witches and burning heretics at the stake and such, most God-loving Christians want to be transformed into creatures whose imagery was typically associated with the Devil. It's kind of like crack-selling pimp in order to join the police force.

Eternal Father, You know what grave matter is resting on my heart. I detest being human because I feel powerless and ugly. Please forgive me for resenting the body you created for me. I need a change.

You have solved many of my problems before. I ask you to solve this one. I ask you to change me into a (name the creature) in Jesus' name because I see no other way out. I am desperate, Lord.

I delight myself in You, God, and you will give me the desire of my heart.

Oh, how I desire to be a (name the creature). I trust in You, God, and You will bring my shape-shift to pass.

I thank you Father for the suffering of my poor Lord Jesus on the cross, for it is by His death that I am free of sin, and it is by His resurrection that I can petition you with confidence.

You, Lord Jesus, have the power to do this for me. I trust in Your name. I trust in your Power. I believe that you can change me into a (name the creature). I believe that You want to change me into a (name the creature). I can change my shape through the strength that You give me.

I ask You, Father, in Jesus' name, to change me into a (name the creature). I accept it now. I believe that my body is being changed now. Fullness of joy is mine because You have changed me.

I thank you Father for caring so much about me that You would do anything for Me if I asked it by faith through the name of your Son Jesus. I thank you Jesus for taking away my sins and diseases and advocating for me with the Father. I thank you Holy Spirit for guiding me into salvation, showing me how to pray, and teaching me how to be holy.

May my new body glorify You, Father, and lead other human beings into salvation. Amen.

Molatar: "Uhm, God? You see, I don't like myself. I'm fat. I'm dumpy. I can't smell things from a mile away. I can't see in the dark. I think a mistake has been made. I'm ugly and powerless"

God: "Er, wait. Back up a second here, my son. Are you questioning my judgement? Ugly? Don't you know that all of my children are beautiful? And powerless? With all of the potential I imbued Mankind with?"

Molatar: "I.... I don't follow you."

God: "You're implying I made some kind of mistake? I gave you a form with opposeable thumbs, sentience, the ability to not only work with the world around you but to shape it and change it. I gave you the ability to reason and use tools to put yourself to the task of helping all of my creation. Out of all of the vessels I could have placed your soul in, I decided to give you one modeled in my own image.... and now you're saying I made some kind of error in judgement?"

Molatar: "Well, no. I mean.. you're perfect, God. But.. see.. I'm not cute and fluffy like I want to be. I have to pay bills and taxes. I can't do as I please when I please because I have responsibilities. I'm just saying that..... uhm..... maybe there was a mix up at the factory?"

God: "Listen, Molatar. You're a nice kid, but you're starting to piss me off here. Factory? What do you think this is, Hasbro? It's not like I went and put Cobra Commander's head on Duke's body. I created you in my image. I knew exactly what I was doing when I made you a human. There was no mistake. But, you see, Molatar, with the blessings of the body I gave you, I also gave you the blessing of free will. That body I gave you presented some wonderful opportunities to be a part of my creations. But, see, you squandered those opportunities... and now you are the way you are today. You're not "ugly" and "powerless" as you claim because I... GOD.... made a mistake. I gave you an opportunity, and so far, you've blown it. Don't come to me with prayers and implying I didn't know what I was doing when I made you the way you are. Don't put it on my shoulders that you wasted your life. I help those that help themselves. You haven't helped yourself... you've hidden away from all of my creations and pined for something that, frankly, I haven't made to exist in any of the worlds I've made. You humans actually kind of surprised me when you put wings on a dinosaur. But, that's the beauty of that mind I gave you. You haven't accepted me and my son into your heart... you've turned your back on all we've tried to teach you. I am the creator of the universe... not a wishing well. If you want a change, make it..... go out there and make the most of the life I have blessed you with. I will turn water in to wine, but I won't turn my children into something I didn't intend for them to be."

Molatar: "But... b-but.... Heavenly Father......... fluffy....... cute...... "

God: "Oh, that's it.... LIGHTNING BOLT!"

f it works for you, please let me know, and send me a picture so I can show some proof to these phonies who tell me P-shifting is impossible.

Should the ignorant comments of disbelievers limit you to a life of drudgery as a human being? Will you allow their scorn to trap you in their grim colorless reality?

If you need to use a medieval sword (because, of course, all wolves are of medieval European nature..... you'd never see one touching a katana or Chinese broadsword) instead of a handgun, are you going to be able to work a camera???

Mastertran · Prattler Joined: 07 Oct 2004 Posts: 174

You know if I asked God to change me into something. I would be ten feet tall, super strong, married to both Salma Hayek and Lil' Kim, made King of the galaxy, and I would own a pet tiger named Cringer who could morph into battle cat. Oh and as for the whole sword thing I always figured every furry was supposed to own one by some law.

Sai · Qualificator Joined: 16 Sep 2004 Posts: 7

I just started hearing about this guy tonight, but he apparently had a hissy fit and tore down his site 'cause it doesn't work now. :( I'm sad I couldn't witness this first-hand.

And apparently he's been oh-so Christian since about... Febuary. When the Holy Spirit apparently came down and bestowed unto him the D&D character sheet for his Dragon body.

m_estrugo · Vociferator Joined: 13 Nov 2003 Posts: 353

I've got the photographic proof that shows that if you pray that oration, you get transformed into a wolf OK and wield a huge medieval sword.

Though, you know... the transformation didn't come out as I expected.

Presea · Coadjutor Joined: 14 Nov 2004 Posts: 71

Heh heh heh! I actually printed out his werecard and bolded interesting points. I'm going to give it to a trusting Christian buddy of mine and watch as she explodes.

Isn't there something like a site called archive.org that can conjure dead sites up from the abyss?

m_estrugo · Vociferator Joined: 13 Nov 2003 Posts: 353

Heh heh heh! I actually printed out his werecard and bolded interesting points. I'm going to give it to a trusting Christian buddy of mine and watch as she explodes.

Isn't there something like a site called archive.org that can conjure dead sites up from the abyss?

Yes... but if the site is short-lived or not very popular, it's unlikely that you'll find it there. However, you can find surprising things on there.

Wayd Wolf · Vociferator Joined: 06 Oct 2003 Posts: 588

Heh heh heh! I actually printed out his werecard and bolded interesting points. I'm going to give it to a trusting Christian buddy of mine and watch as she explodes.

Isn't there something like a site called archive.org that can conjure dead sites up from the abyss?

There's an AD&D reference in there somewhere. Unfortunately.

Charisma · Venter Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Posts: 234

That site is sad, interesting, disturbing and funny.
just....wow. I've actually met three people in three years online that believed they were actually dragons. One of them was a guy who believed he was supposed to be a lesbian werewolf dragon. Craziest person I ever met but he's a nice guy

DA · Vociferator Joined: 06 Jun 2003 Posts: 595

That site is sad, interesting, disturbing and funny.
just....wow. I've actually met three people in three years online that believed they were actually dragons. One of them was a guy who believed he was supposed to be a lesbian werewolf dragon. Craziest person I ever met but he's a nice guy

I heard of one guy who thinks he's a pregnant female dolphin on the astral.

Beaupepys · Qualificator Joined: 01 Nov 2003 Posts: 2

I once knew somebody who felt she wasn't getting enough attention and miscarried her astral kittens.

Kadius · Vociferator Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 637

That site is sad, interesting, disturbing and funny.
just....wow. I've actually met three people in three years online that believed they were actually dragons. One of them was a guy who believed he was supposed to be a lesbian werewolf dragon. Craziest person I ever met but he's a nice guy

Oh yeah, he's nice NOW. But wait until he goes after someone with a machete after they find him huddled in the middle of his apartment, talking to himself. With a stuffed bear impaled on his penis.

Repomancer · Rasophore Joined: 13 Jun 2003 Posts: 61

I heard of one guy who thinks he's a pregnant female dolphin on the astral.

That would be Nauta.

His website.

Presea · Coadjutor Joined: 14 Nov 2004 Posts: 71

I once knew somebody who felt she wasn't getting enough attention and miscarried her astral kittens.

:roll: That is so wrong on so many levels. "Wah I'm not getting any attention so I'll have my imaginary character miscarry her imaginary pregnancy and kill her imaginary babies!"

Kadius · Vociferator Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 637

I heard of one guy who thinks he's a pregnant female dolphin on the astral.

That would be Nauta.

His website.

Right now my mind is going KILL KILL KILL

DA · Vociferator Joined: 06 Jun 2003 Posts: 595

I heard of one guy who thinks he's a pregnant female dolphin on the astral.

That would be Nauta.

His website.

With a face like that I can see why he wants to pretend to be a dolphin.

Genghis · Venter Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 277

With a face like that I can see why he wants to pretend to be a dolphin.

m_estrugo · Vociferator Joined: 13 Nov 2003 Posts: 353

...

AIEEE He's coming for ME!

Genghis, you're gonna make my poor avatar have nightmares. :(

You're all evil.

MagKnightX · Vociferator Joined: 04 Dec 2003 Posts: 312

Dammit, I was happily jerking off to free porn when I decided to check on CYD, and WHAT DO I SEE BUT THIS POST. Now my boner's gone and it won't come back!

Mastertran · Prattler Joined: 07 Oct 2004 Posts: 174

I cann't get a boner period anymore thanks to CYD. Miscarried Astral Kittens that sounds like a Frank Zappa song.

Computolio · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 631

http://web.archive.org/web/20031231045357/www.ecchi-attack.com/cgi-bin/ea/viewnews.cgi?id=EpFkFEkpFFUKUjyAlA

Presea · Coadjutor Joined: 14 Nov 2004 Posts: 71

Genghis, that was awesome. The red frame really tied it all together. :lol:

Stoneth · Vociferator Joined: 01 Dec 2004 Posts: 545

I don't see why all of you are making fun of Molatar. I followed his guidelines and as you can see God made me into the beautiful white wolf I always wanted to be through the power of prayer.

Nevermind the fact that you normally need actual fingers in order to type, or that there is no snow in Nicaragua, or that such rituals for changing into a wolf usually involve a bubbling cauldron set in some circles on the ground on a dark night. The proof is in the pudding (or lack of thereof).

bobby · Prattler Joined: 27 Oct 2003 Posts: 104

I heard of one guy who thinks he's a pregnant female dolphin on the astral.

That would be Nauta.

His website.

Oh god he lives in Minneapolis and I run into him on occasion when I go down there. He has a boyfriend and the boyfriend had a "please help me why am I dating this guy" sort of look to him. It's a pity too because his boyfriend is rather cute in comparison.

The pregnancy fetish is real and extends far into his real life as well. It's absolutely frightening.

Kadius · Vociferator Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 637

If Nauta and Kimmaugh ever procreated their offspring would have Medusa-like powers.

Excuse me while I try to get that image out of my head.

...

Shit.

Shmeckopolis · Vociferator Joined: 31 Mar 2004 Posts: 314

If Nauta and Kimmaugh ever procreated their offspring would have Medusa-like powers.

Excuse me while I try to get that image out of my head.

...

Shit.

Someone get Conan O'Brien in here!