Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

Trista · Prattler Joined: 30 May 2005 Posts: 156

Department of Furry Safety

First of all, I realize there's not really a Department of Furry Safety anywhere yet the name conjures up frightening mental images:

"Officer! Some crazy guy stole my tail!"

"Officer! This man tried to yiff my plushie!"

And so on. And so on.

I also must admit the idea itself scares me just a bit. See how the site goes on about the fact that the IDs are wallet sizes? Do I want to know who would carry that around in his or her wallet? And imagine having a wallet stolen with such an idea in it?

"Uh...OK, here's an ID for John Q. Smith. And one for some zebra named Zexyzripez? The hell?"

And what about the promise that they're more imformative? Imagine the possibilities!

"Likes: Robot girls with fox-like features, writing comics about gay guys dressed as vixens"

Yes, I was thinking of Gonterman just then for some reason. :P

weird_guy_in_the_corner · Vociferator Joined: 14 Oct 2004 Posts: 708

Fursonal ID.

FURSONAL ID.

I imagine these people are going to be making a lot of money, because furries will want to carry those things around and show them to everyone at furry conventions.

Not to get off topic here, but there sure are a lot of new members. I don't know if I should be glad or wary.

RailFoxen · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jan 2005 Posts: 625

'Fursonal ID.' Jesus fuck. They need to throw 'License to Yiff' in there somewhere just to make the package complete.

Somehow I imagine DFS goons prancing about cons throwing condoms around. Or some 250 pound sweatbeast on the lookout for guys in SA shirts, ready to tackle and cuff 'for the safety and unity of furries'.

Is it safe to dance?

Iconoclastic · Vociferator Joined: 08 Mar 2005 Posts: 338

:?

Let's hope they don't team up with the Furry Nationalists.

Soon every fur will have to take the Mark of the Beast in order to buy and sell furry porn.

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

I'll bet you at least 10 furries will present their 'fursonal' ID when asked by a police officer for identification. :?

Stoneth · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Dec 2004 Posts: 1225

Imagine how something like that would go if someone used this in real life.

Officer Can I see your liscense and registration, please?
Driver What seems to be the trouble, officer?
Officer You've got a messed up tail light.
Driver *snicker*
Officer What's so funny?
Driver Nothing, I thought you said something else.
Officer What the hell is this?!
Driver It's my fursonal ID.
Officer Yeah, funny. Where's your Washington State driver's liscense?
Driver Oh, I would carry that, but it only shows my icky hyooman side. I like this better.
Officer You know that you're required by law to carry an official driver's liscense, right?
Driver Oh, but can't you accept this instead?
Officer This is card with a drawing of a cartoon fox with green hair! It's not the least bit legal and it looks nothing like you!
Driver Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Officer That's it. Step out of the car. You're coming with me.
Driver Ack! This is fursecution!

Trista · Prattler Joined: 30 May 2005 Posts: 156

Stoneth, I also thought something along those lines, but I couldn't settle on a scenario for why an ID was required, so nice work. :)

Honestly, I'm just glad I didn't get the, "Dude, those are just con badges! Get over it!" response I was expecting but I figured the odds that nobody would find it strange were pretty slim, so I figured I'd share it.

I feel like highlighting some of the testimony:
-Oh, look, a ringing endorsement from Ursus Californicus!
-There's nothing more creative than being just another card-carrying furry!

And a random detail from the sidebar:

New pawprint seal is now your actual furry print that goes on card.

Dare I ask what the hell an "actual furry print" is? :?

Iconoclastic · Vociferator Joined: 08 Mar 2005 Posts: 338

Some well known furry hater should apply and see if they're rejected. After all, there HAS to be some protective system to this. They're selling validation that you're a "true furry" in a similar fashion to what the GOP wants implemented to recognize "true Americans."

Hirtes, if you're reading, give it a try! :lol:

Mitch · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jun 2003 Posts: 658

Some well known furry hater should apply and see if they're rejected. After all, there HAS to be some protective system to this. They're selling validation that you're a "true furry" in a similar fashion to what the GOP wants implemented to recognize "true Americans."

Hirtes, if you're reading, give it a try! :lol:

I already got mine

Dr. Mojo · Vociferator Joined: 19 Feb 2005 Posts: 399

Shouldn't that be "The Badge with Fatitude?"

Captain Cowgirl · Needs to get out more Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 1091

Some well known furry hater should apply and see if they're rejected. After all, there HAS to be some protective system to this. They're selling validation that you're a "true furry" in a similar fashion to what the GOP wants implemented to recognize "true Americans."

Hirtes, if you're reading, give it a try! :lol:

I already got mine

I love it!

Goofy · Vociferator Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 311

'Fursonal ID.' Jesus fuck. They need to throw 'License to Yiff' in there somewhere just to make the package complete.

And a 'SPH Inspector' badge.

God forbid.

As for this so-called Department of Furry Safety, I don't see how issuing badges makes one safer. This was once tried by the Australian government when, as a response to terrorism, they issued an anti-terrorism fridge magnet to all citizens. The entire population of Australia signed and sent back a Hallmark card that read: "Thanks for caring about our safety, you dipshits!"

If DFS really cares about Furry safety, they would do what the fire department does and issue warning posters. Like the ones that had a retarded kid playing with matches and a house burning in the background with a big hunk of text in the front reading: "Don't be like Retarded Timmy! Matches are not toys!" Or the poison department: "No, Retarded Timmy! Asbestos is not a food group!"

Have similar posters for Furries that dispense friendly advice. For example, "Always get regular tetanus shots from your doctor. Your pets might bite when you try to fuck them in the ass. A message from your friendly DFS." Something like that would actually help a furry's well-being. Not handing out badges. I mean, really... Badges? BADGES?! THEY DON'T NEED NO STINKING BADGES!!!

Paul · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 1092

I already got mine

I'm tempted to make a card myself and go to a furry con wearing it, just to enjoy the reactions. :)

Iconoclastic · Vociferator Joined: 08 Mar 2005 Posts: 338

Why not make a furry hunting permit and use that as a badge?

EFudd · Prattler Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 139

Heres one you could cut out and where at a con.
Came from PETA.

Griphonix · Prattler Joined: 02 Mar 2005 Posts: 165

As for this so-called Department of Furry Safety, I don't see how issuing badges makes one safer. This was once tried by the Australian government when, as a response to terrorism, they issued an anti-terrorism fridge magnet to all citizens. The entire population of Australia signed and sent back a Hallmark card that read: "Thanks for caring about our safety, you dipshits!"

I laughed so hard when they did that.

Banrai · Vociferator Joined: 13 Jan 2005 Posts: 560

http://www.peta.org/cmp/buttons/stella.jpg
Heres one you could cut out and where at a con.
Came from PETA.

HEY IM A MEMBER OF PETA OK.

But I don't throw chicken blood on people ok.

Trista · Prattler Joined: 30 May 2005 Posts: 156

Uh, exactly what was the need of pointing that out by typing in caps? Were you intending for people to roll their eyes at you? Because I am. :roll:

Let's not turn this thread into a PETA debate. Whether or not you belong to PETA has nothing to do with souped up con badges with a stupid name.

Dr. Mojo · Vociferator Joined: 19 Feb 2005 Posts: 399

you're obviously new

no thread on this board stays on topic for very long, so i encourage the PETA debate because PETA is hilarious :(

Iconoclastic · Vociferator Joined: 08 Mar 2005 Posts: 338

Heres one you could cut out and where at a con.
Came from PETA.

Came from me ;)

Trista · Prattler Joined: 30 May 2005 Posts: 156

you're obviously new

no thread on this board stays on topic for very long

Even if that's the case, since I started the thread, shouldn't I have some say in its direction given that I'm not being overbearing about anyone's actual opinions? If I'm wrong, feel free to carry on about...whatever. I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it and I hardly plan on going through every thread and urging them to stay on topic. I did enough looking around to know that would be futile. It's just that PETA really does warrant its own thread. ;)

Banrai · Vociferator Joined: 13 Jan 2005 Posts: 560

you're obviously new

no thread on this board stays on topic for very long

Even if that's the case, since I started the thread, shouldn't I have some say in its direction given that I'm not being overbearing about anyone's actual opinions? If I'm wrong, feel free to carry on about...whatever. I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it and I hardly plan on going through every thread and urging them to stay on topic. I did enough looking around to know that would be futile. It's just that PETA really does warrant its own thread. ;)

Ok so like if I bend over will you kiss my ass?

EFudd · Prattler Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 139

Im not even a Peta member, I just thought if one wanted to get attetion at a con, so on.

It was never my intent to piss off anyone or stray off topic.

weird_guy_in_the_corner · Vociferator Joined: 14 Oct 2004 Posts: 708

you're obviously new

no thread on this board stays on topic for very long

Even if that's the case, since I started the thread, shouldn't I have some say in its direction given that I'm not being overbearing about anyone's actual opinions? If I'm wrong, feel free to carry on about...whatever. I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it and I hardly plan on going through every thread and urging them to stay on topic. I did enough looking around to know that would be futile. It's just that PETA really does warrant its own thread. ;)

Ok so like if I bend over will you kiss my ass?

PWND

LoKi · Venter Joined: 09 Mar 2005 Posts: 262

They need to have a STD listing on those.

Trista · Prattler Joined: 30 May 2005 Posts: 156

They need to have a STD listing on those.

That would be more informative all right. ;)

Paul · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 1092

They need to have a STD listing on those.

That would only be for the very few of them who actually have sex...

LoKi · Venter Joined: 09 Mar 2005 Posts: 262

They need to have a STD listing on those.

That would only be for the very few of them who actually have sex...

Furries don't have >ANY< standards though. :O

Stoneth · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Dec 2004 Posts: 1225

They need to have a STD listing on those.

That would only be for the very few of them who actually have sex...

There are a lot of furries who could only hope to get laid if they paid someone ... expect at cons. Even if you look like Dennis Falk, chances are there's someone who ~~sees you for the beootiful skunkie you really are~~ is desperate enough to consider engaging in teh yiff with you.

creature · Vociferator Joined: 06 Nov 2003 Posts: 520

As long as you are willing to give it up for someone to get some backdoor man love, you'll always find a partner somewhere. Manwhores and women all have the same advantages, all they need to do is say "Come and get it" and they'll have a line of horny men lining up for it.

Paul · Needs to get out more Joined: 01 Feb 2004 Posts: 1092

They need to have a STD listing on those.

That would only be for the very few of them who actually have sex...

Furries don't have >ANY< standards though. :O

There are a lot of furries who could only hope to get laid if they paid someone ... expect at cons. Even if you look like Dennis Falk, chances are there's someone who <S>sees you for the beootiful skunkie you really are</S> is desperate enough to consider engaging in teh yiff with you.

Good points.
Still, seems we're dealing largely with a furries-only circuit, no outside interference, so the risk of STDs would be very small. :wink:
(Unless one of them somehow managed to have unsafe sex in the real world before joining the closed ranks of the socially inept and undesirable.)

RailFoxen · Vociferator Joined: 01 Jan 2005 Posts: 625

STDs aren't too uncommon. Keep enough furries LJ-friended and you'll find plenty of the 'oh no my mate went to the hospital to get tested for HIV I hope he isn't positive we'll get the results back this week everyone hold hands' Intarweb-panics. There's a reason the HIV-positive storyline is such a common furry comic cliche.

And if furries are socially inept and undesirable, there's still a place for them to get laid, and that's called 'college', or possibly just high school, which is where half of them still are. Remember, 'monogamy' is a laughable concept promoted by outdated thinkers and evil Christians!

weird_guy_in_the_corner · Vociferator Joined: 14 Oct 2004 Posts: 708

STDs aren't too uncommon. Keep enough furries LJ-friended and you'll find plenty of the 'oh no my mate went to the hospital to get tested for HIV I hope he isn't positive we'll get the results back this week everyone hold hands' Intarweb-panics. There's a reason the HIV-positive storyline is such a common furry comic cliche.

Remember kids, always have your spouse get a blood test before engaging in the old in-out. And if your spouse gives you an STD, kill the bitch and plead insanity.