Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

Troggler · Venter Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 246

So you thought dolphins were harmless, did you? Well, you were WRONG!

I know people could die from having dolphins with dart launchers shoot at them, but still. This is the goddamndest funniest sea-mammal related incident to happen in a long, long time. If "Dolphins trained in search and destroy missions" isn't the funniest phrase ever, I don't know what is. Besides, I think I have the perfect countermeasure. Work with me here...

Sharks.... with frikkin' Laser Beams attached to their heads!

Come on, it can't be any dumber then arming the smartest sea creature with poisonous darts!

mouse · Needs to get out more Joined: 13 Jul 2003 Posts: 1192

So you thought dolphins were harmless, did you? Well, you were WRONG!

I know people could die from having dolphins with dart launchers shoot at them, but still. This is the goddamndest funniest sea-mammal related incident to happen in a long, long time. If "Dolphins trained in search and destroy missions" isn't the funniest phrase ever, I don't know what is. Besides, I think I have the perfect countermeasure. Work with me here...

Sharks.... with frikkin' Laser Beams attached to their heads!

Come on, it can't be any dumber then arming the smartest sea creature with poisonous darts!

Ok , I mean Im all commie liberal and anti-war and all that.. but what the fuck are these people thinking? I've heard of these types of things before... water-mine clearing dolphins and such.. this seems a bit far out.

Either way, technology, it seems matters less and less in war these days. You'd think these people would have gotten the point by now.

"If you look at all the real wars going on right now, you come across the same two weapons, over and over: the AK-47 and the RPG-7 -- both Russian designs, and both older than your Dad."

Is it any fucking wonder we've had nothing but strategic failure since Korea? Most recently in Afghanistan and Iraq. I fail to see where dolphins enter into the Middle East equation anywhere..

Modern armies have no counter for urban guerilla warfare/insurgency, this is why we lose , and this is why we are losing. Its not that we arn't good enough, its that its impossible. Trying to training dolphins as assassins not only is retarded but it sure isnt helping the cause if this is actually going on.

ANIMAL LIBERATION NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kadius · Needs to get out more Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 911

Oh noes, evil killer dolphins. Like Zipper! Flipper's evil twin.

"Zipper's surly. He is uncaring!"

21st Century Digital Boy · Venter Joined: 27 Dec 2003 Posts: 202

Clearly, giant mind-controlled squid are the only viable countermeasure at this point.

Foxid · Venter Joined: 17 Jun 2005 Posts: 298

Clearly, giant mind-controlled squid are the only viable countermeasure at this point.

Barry Scott · Prattler Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 152

We had a thread about stuff like this before. Using animals for war is nothing new… and almost always blows up in their face in an amusing show of karma at work.

The Flying Fox · Coadjutor Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 93

I suppose they train these things so they can neutralize a muslim terrorist floundering around in the sea with a little rubber ducky for floatation, after all, there is a minimal chance it can happen, right? Minimal, but still there! You have about the same chance of finding Jimi Hendrix under your damn bed.

Doom · Rasophore Joined: 02 Sep 2005 Posts: 56

Pshew pshew!

The Flying Fox · Coadjutor Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 93

I just can't look at a dolphin and bear the thought of such a docile creature having a lethal weapon fixed to it. But at the same time, it's stupidly funny... Or maybe just stupid.

You'll do a lot of weird things to get an advantage in war, but some things are just too far-fetched and dumb to go through, even if you did gain a marginal advantage.

The romans used dogs and get this- Set fire to pigs before making the little squealing bastards run into the enemy lines, causing panic and confusion. (mostly to Elephant-riders and the likes, horses would also freak at the sight of a tide of squealing, mobile bacon-in-making)

But this ain't ancient rome, and IMHO, using oversized tunafish in combat is something that belongs in Duck Tales, not the US Army.

Monkey King · Vociferator Joined: 16 Jun 2005 Posts: 459

I'm still trying to puzzle out what practical use could be found for dolphins with poison dart guns. It sounds like a cool concept when you toss it out in a pot-filled room; maybe you can release them and kill the Soviet James Bond or something. But think about it at all, and the logic breaks down. Against what modern, plausible, waterborne threat would dolphin assassins be effective? Seriously, what are these dolphins supposed to be out there killing?

I have no problems with thinking outside the box, but make sure your weapon has a target. The military would have been better off investing our tax dollars into the gay bomb - at least I can see what that would be used for. But dolphins with poison darts? Why in God's name would we need such a thing?

Donotsue · Needs to get out more Joined: 17 Jan 2004 Posts: 884

US military will try anything. Dolphins could always do suicide missions or swim happily
round enemy ships gathering information...
...Enemies like Jacues Cousteau who doesn't kill them immediately for food...

Tho one'd think they are too smart to collaborate with military!

How bout them mind readers US tried to spy ruskies with? =)

peppersprayed · Vociferator Joined: 23 Aug 2005 Posts: 369

US military will try anything. Dolphins could always do suicide missions or swim happily
round enemy ships gathering information...
...Enemies like Jacues Cousteau who doesn't kill them immediately for food...

Tho one'd think they are too smart to collaborate with military!

How bout them mind readers US tried to spy ruskies with? =)

I'm not sure I like the Idea of using dolphins for combat.
I mean Dolphins are at the very least really really close to sentience.
Using them to help find stuff or for rescue or something seems OK.
But combat?
That's really walking a moral tightrope, not even mentioning practicality.

USMC-Sgt.MURDER · Coadjutor Joined: 26 Aug 2005 Posts: 82

The infamous MK-Ultra... the History Channel has alot of unconfirmed stuff from the former KGB. It's all pretty wierd.

Like an assasin who could stop a man's heart using her bodies electromagnetic enrgy.

And another who could scramble another persons thoughts by interjecting his own into his mind. Kind of like screaming at a person from the inside. And replacing the persons emotions with ones he wants like doubt and fear.

I'd get more info on it but the HistoryChannel website is less than user-friendly.

-EDIT-
Oh yeah the damn dolphins... well, why arent we using stupider animals as suicide bombers? I mean a dolphin is smart. It could be programming aqua computers and starting their own civilization. Why not train Chimps to hug people that smell like explosives and blow themselves up before they get to places where they can cause some real damage.

peppersprayed · Vociferator Joined: 23 Aug 2005 Posts: 369

The infamous MK-Ultra... the History Channel has alot of unconfirmed stuff from the former KGB. It's all pretty wierd.

Like an assasin who could stop a man's heart using her bodies electromagnetic enrgy.

And another who could scramble another persons thoughts by interjecting his own into his mind. Kind of like screaming at a person from the inside. And replacing the persons emotions with ones he wants like doubt and fear.

I'd get more info on it but the HistoryChannel website is less than user-friendly.

Or our project Stargate (remote viewing)

peppersprayed · Vociferator Joined: 23 Aug 2005 Posts: 369

The infamous MK-Ultra... the History Channel has alot of unconfirmed stuff from the former KGB. It's all pretty wierd.

Like an assasin who could stop a man's heart using her bodies electromagnetic enrgy.

And another who could scramble another persons thoughts by interjecting his own into his mind. Kind of like screaming at a person from the inside. And replacing the persons emotions with ones he wants like doubt and fear.

I'd get more info on it but the HistoryChannel website is less than user-friendly.

Or our project Stargate (remote viewing)

baserock love · Vociferator Joined: 04 Dec 2004 Posts: 685

I support putting gats on dolphins. If not for the sheer hilarity of it all, it's better than sending humans out there with gats. yes it's pretty cruel, but sending a terrified 18 year old kid fresh out of highschool into the sites of a viet cong AK47 is about a million times more cruel.

The fact that they escaped is hilarious though. Now they are going to hunt down they're tormentors and make them PAY!!

Tailgunner · Vociferator Joined: 28 Oct 2003 Posts: 327

During World War II, the Russian army strapped mines to the backs of German Shepards trained to run out underneath oncoming German panzers.

It's true!
>:D

Anyway, I fail to see the logic of arming dolphins when most of the terrorist acts take place IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT!

Unless the navy hopee to train dolphines to launch long ranged tomahawk cruise missles from thier backs (Which I would pay good money to see), I do not believe that an armed dolphin can be of much use.

Search and rescue, yes, but guerilla warfare?

Dogthing · Vociferator Joined: 26 Oct 2003 Posts: 700

Anyway, I fail to see the logic of arming dolphins when most of the terrorist acts take place IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT!

SS Cole type situations? =\

Barry Scott · Prattler Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 152

During World War II, the Russian army strapped mines to the backs of German Shepards trained to run out underneath oncoming German panzers.

It's true!
>:D

WE KNOW! IT WAS IN THREAD A FEW WEEKS BACK! :D

AngryPuritan · Needs to get out more Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Posts: 1361

Anyway, I fail to see the logic of arming dolphins when most of the terrorist acts take place IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT!

SS Cole type situations? =\

Yes, another article said the dolphins were for harbor escort duty. It's a silly notion though. These highly trained dolphins are currently escapees, and we can trust the final product of this training to stay put in a harbor? How does a poison dart armed dolphin stop an explosive laden speedboat? If they are trained to attack men in the water near the ship, what happens when a US sailor falls overboard?

mouse · Needs to get out more Joined: 13 Jul 2003 Posts: 1192

Anyway, I fail to see the logic of arming dolphins when most of the terrorist acts take place IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT!

SS Cole type situations? =\

I hate to link to the same columnist twice in the same thread ... but whoever the war nerd is (possibly Mark Ames), they appear to have their facts and history together and its really the only the column I'll read for war expertise.

http://www.exile.ru/2002-December-11/war_nerd.html

"It all comes out of the "Millenium Challenge '02" war games we staged in the Persian Gulf this summer. The big scandal was that the Opposing Force Commander, Gen. Paul van Ripen, quit mid-game because the games were rigged for the US forces to win <...> The truth is that van Ripen did something so important that I still can't believe the mainstream press hasn't made anything of it. With nothing more than a few "small boats and aircraft," van Ripen managed to sink most of the US fleet in the Persian Gulf."

I dont think dolphins address this problem.

edit:

Search and rescue, yes, but guerilla warfare?

I was gonna say give them fishbowl-like astronaut helmets full of water and M-16s and then send them flopping into insurgent zones, but then I realized dolphins breathe air just like hyoomans

Some people say dolphins are smarter than humans, and thats not true.. humans rules, dolphins SUCK IT !!!!!!