Crush...Yiff...Destroy!

stinkweedskunk · Prattler Joined: 14 Nov 2005 Posts: 122

I am compiling a humerous list of the many types of driver and car you can encounter on the road, and maybe eventually post this on a site somewhere. Feel free to add/change anything if you want. Here's what I got so far:

The Standoff - Four people pull up to a four-way stop at exactly the same time. Watch the fun begin as each one tries to inch forward and intimidate the other into letting him/her pass.

The Earthquake - The guy who's just spent his entire tax return on a new 1500 watt subwoofer and stereo system and proceeds to roll down his windows and let the world hear the music he is listening to whether you like it or not.

The Air Raid Siren - similiar to The Earthquake, but at the opposite extreme. Too cheap to afford a good audio system, yet blasts his tiny squawkers up as far as they can take the punishment of emitting skull piercing, shrieking music.

Frankencar - The trailer-trash white boy who has just downloaded and watched a copy of "The fast and furious", and decks out his car in fully mismatched body kits and ebay glasspack mufflers.

Dodgecar, a.k.a. The DC Driver - Well-versed and trained in the bad techniques of inner-city driving, you can always count on this driver cutting you off at exactly the moment you need the right hand turn lane, forcing you to drive down another two blocks to the next one-way street going in the direction you need.

The Bumper Sticker On Wheels - "My kid is an honor roll student...", "Support our troops", "Vote for Bush", and various rock band stickers plaster the entire bumber and back windshield of this vehicle, reducing the driver's rear visibility to nil, making him unable to see your rage and suggestive finger pose as he tries to merge into you, being in his blind spot and all.

The Mobile Home Theater - The SUV next to you with the DVD player, 5,000 mp3 jukebox, playstation, GPS, laptop, and surround stereo system. Often times the amnetities are better than the owner's living room.

The Gold Digger - You just happen to glance over and see the driver next to you pull out a fat, gooey, greasy booger and wipe it behind his visor, then check his surroundings to see if anybody was looking.

The Senile - "Someday, sometime when I die, I will eventually turn right, but for now I shall taunt you with my perpetual turn signal."

The Brake Test - You're on an empty expressway, no traffic save for the driver in front of you, fair weather, clear as the eye can see, then "Why the fuck did he just hit his brakes?"

Evil Knievel Wannabe - The Ninja-riding motorcyclist going 120mph, dodging cars, with a death wish to become road-pizza.

AngryPuritan · Needs to get out more Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Posts: 1361

So which email client did you use to open and Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V this?

The Bumper Sticker On Wheels - "My kid is an honor roll student...", "Support our troops", "Vote for Bush", and various rock band stickers plaster the entire bumber and back windshield of this vehicle, reducing the driver's rear visibility to nil, making him unable to see your rage and suggestive finger pose as he tries to merge into you, being in his blind spot and all.

stinkweedskunk · Prattler Joined: 14 Nov 2005 Posts: 122

So which email client did you use to open and Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V this?

Wrote that one myself, I swear. But two of the others WERE sent to me by friends. So I decided to just add on to it and maybe turn it into something stupid for a web site.

weird_guy_in_the_corner · Vociferator Joined: 14 Oct 2004 Posts: 708

The Soccer Mom - The Soccer Mom is easily identified by her huge SUV or minivan which houses her several dozen children. The children are usually being shipped to one or several hundred activities the Soccer Mom has forced her hellspawn into for no reason at all. The kids are usually screaming, crying, throwing shit around or making faces at other drivers. The Soccer Mom will frequently let loose obscenities at her children and other drivers.

Mr. Penis Envy - Mr. Penis Envy is quite easy to identify: He's the guy with the Hummer H3, or the car with the flamejob and decals, or the car with the biggest, loudest engine in existence. Whenever Mr. Penis Envy encounters a vehicle that is bigger, flashier, or louder then his own, he will immediately go and buy something twice as big, twice as flashy, and twice as loud.

MonicaKitty · Vociferator Joined: 24 Feb 2005 Posts: 663

On the way home from church, some guy zipped through traffic at breakneck speed just to pull up behind us and ride our bumper for three miles. He could have passed, but instead he sat on our ass, obviously cursing, and making rather funny enraged faces. At the time we were going over the speed limit, but we slowed down to 15 under just to further piss him off. I'm not sure what such a driver would be called. Maybe Angry Driver in Search of Anger

Barry Scott · Prattler Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 152

White Van Man – As the name implies, a man in a white van (almost always a Ford Transit) although sometimes it's questionable that driver is human. He drives as part of this living and as with all career drivers, thinks that the road laws are just there to annoy him and thus ignores them. Mostly found in Europe tailgating you or parked in a no parking area with his hazard lights on.

Mirror, Signal, Break – The driver that passed their test last week with all the lies that they have been told still fresh in the memory so they still to that odd steering wheel shuffle thing right up until they hit the tree. Slow, panicy and have heart attacks every time a 16-wheeler passes them.

I Forgot Mirror, Signal, Break – The opposite of the former. Never looks in the mirror, never singles and wonders why everybody shouts and screams at them and are always getting the bird.

Lives in the Future - A strange person who thinks cars can drive themselves today. They do other things like talk on the phone, shave and do their make-up in the mirror. Everything but concentrate on the fucking road!